Old Age Day by Day October 31, 2011

Well, I've purchased the candy, and the candles for the two pumpkins and am prepared for a horde, though we get more of a trickle of treat-or-treaters.  We have too many stairs, as do many houses on our block, so kids go to the streets that are easier pickings.  I don't blame them.  I do wish I could have a teeny tiny handful of candy corn or bite sized Three Muskateers.  Sigh.

I did a few errands and got more yarn this morning.  When I want to eat, I knit.  It works pretty well, and has the advantage that I am shoring up gifts for Christmas.  I also believe it helps mitigate the arthritis in my hands.  I pick colors that are lushous and tasty looking.

I'm reading a Rebecca Solnit book about Ireland, and picturing my visits and my relatives there.  Next is Haruki Murakami's new opus, 1Q84.  I've read the first chapter and it is terrific.  I can't wait to read the rest but want to finish the book I'm reading first.  I'm trying to be disciplined.  The reviews for 1Q84 are spectacular.  He's my favorite living writer, for sure.  They are talking Nobel Prize in Literature in the reviews. 

Old Age Day by Day October 30, 2011

We're off to the opera soon.  It's a whole afternoon affair, and it's a beautiful day, so it's crazy, but there you are.  One must make sacrifices for art.  Susan Graham will be singing, so I look forward to that, plus I adore Handel.  If I can just keep my mind off comparisons to being imprisoned in a tiny closet with a view. 

Last night my husband and I watched the Robin Hood movie with Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett.  I don't know why I like it so much, but the actors are part of it.  Max Von Sydow, Danny Huston and others make it a delight, and it has an anti-war stance that seems valid.  But it may just be Crowe.  He's pretty mesmerizing.  He can do a man of honor better than anyone right now.  The only other actor I can think of is Matt Damon.  And it's nice to see such a man on screen, since offscreen, well, let's just say they are hard to come by.  When I need reassurance, I have to watch Gandhi or Gladiator or Amistad or Last of the Mohicans.  Humm.  I notice no 20th or 21st century heroes.  I think that says it all.

Old Age Day by Day October 29, 2011

We've been walking a lot today, first around the reservoir and then to lunch.  The weather is perfect, sunny and warm, and everyone is getting out before the rains.  We've had a rash of little earthquakes centered right under us, so that makes us all relish being out of our houses a little more, as well.  October, the month of earthquakes and firestorms, is just nervous making.  Halloween fits right in with our states of mind. 

We had great fun last night watching the end of the World Series and seeing the team we rooted for win.  But I love Coach Washington so much that it hurt that he couldn't win as well.  What a battle for the ages it was!  Now it's all over until spring training, except for the praying that the A's get a grip. 

Tomorrow we see a 4 hour Handel opera, Xerxes, so that will reorient us smartly toward the cultural end of life.  I do love Handel, but I need comfortable shoes, underwear and a lot of bathroom standing in line to make it through such a long opera.  It's kind of a marathon, but with no physical benefits.

Old Age Day by Day October 28, 2011

What a game!  What nail biting, what shouting, what euphoria!  I know, they have to win tonight as well, but they can't take away last night.  It was what baseball is about - the surprise, the errors, the hopes dashed, the thrill as the ball goes over the fence.  Ah, satisfaction.  Both teams are playing so well, so fairly, and with such good grace.  The coaches are wonderful.  La Russa glum and trying not to bite his nails, Washington applauding and emotional.  We get the whole gamut of the game just in the coaches alone. 

Now my husband and I are about to go see a Pizzaro exhibit, and I can't think of a connection, except I expect happiness from the sight of the paintings.  Human beings are physical, and it's a gift to the apex of that.  They are emotional, and you get that in baseball and painting.  And they are creative, and you get that both places as well.  In baseball it's strategy and fluidity, in painting it's letting the moment come through you and your skills and engage you deeply.  Actually, the later is true for the first and vice versa.  Hey, I've just proved that there is no difference at all between baseball and great art!  Or not.

Old Age Day by Day October 27, 2011

A friend and I had a long walk yesterday and lunch out.  Before that I had coffee with another dear friend.  It was good to walk and talk and laugh.  Today I have therapy again.  I usually have it only once a month, but I'm still absorbing the news about our older daughter's divorce, and I can use the guidance.  I feel like there is a pall over me, and last night I talked to our younger son and he seemed so sad with his breakup of his romance that I just wanted to be able to DO SOMETHING.  Of course, I cannot.  It's not my business.  And I'm not much of a sounding board either.  Either they are protecting me or nobody fancies me for a sounding board.  I feel useless.  So, what do you know, I have to notice my own reactions and my ambulance chaser bent, and settle in to feel some measure of sorrow for a while.  Shoot!

In the meantime, I have chorus tonight and my husband has promised to come up with a new place for lunch, and the sun is shining and despite the fact we woke up early from another earthquake, the day will undoubtedly contain some delightful moments, and I am determined not to worry about what I cannot affect.  I hope.

Old Age Day by Day October 25, 2011

The weather has changed.  We're talking Fall here.  The Halloween decorations mitigate the cooling off a bit for me.  Sunday my daughter and I went to a Halloween store and she picked out giraffe ears and tail for her teaching, and then got some gloves and stuff for some kind of Tron outfit for a party with her friends.  There was a tiny boy there trying on pig ears, but later we saw he had settled for being a firefighter.  There was some majorly scary stuff in the store, and he was saying he was scared.  The parents should have thought that one out more thoroughly.  They could have gone to a toy store.  But then, every R rated movie I go to there are small children dragged along with their parents, and I always wonder if it is worth the nightmares and trips into the room for comforting.  However, maybe those parents don't comfort their kids, and that leads to thoughts scarier than the movie.

I'm being judgmental, a habit I've been trying to crack for years.  I just saw too much bad stuff between working in the DA's office in Victim Assistance and the years in battered women's shelters.  Some children are all alone in a terrifying world.  My friend and I used to threaten to kidnap some of these kids to rescue them.  Social services seldom got their act together to save them.  But we never did.  We had our own kids and no where to run.  But it tore us up.  So I'm a little over reactive as a result.

Old Age Day by Day October 24, 2011

We've been watching the World Series, and had a disappointing night last night, with our team losing.  But it's a close series and baseball is being well played, so that is fun.  We couldn't get the A's there, but at least La Russa is.  My family on both sides is from Missouri, so rooting for Saint Louis is fine and dandy.  Okay, I was born in Texas, but that was too long ago. 

I saw a movie yesterday afternoon, Margin Call, and it was not as good as the New York Times pronounced, but I was struck by the acting of Kevin Spacey.  I did not like him in the role for which he won the Oscar, American Beauty.  Of course I loved him in the Usual Suspects.  But in this film he is different, yet uses his amazingly evocative face to convey a huge range of emotions.  I have new respect for him.  It's really his film, though it has a host of super actors, like Jeremy Irons and Paul Bettany.

I'm making a soup with chicken and quinoa this afternoon, and the receipe looks yummy.  It's still sunny weather, but at night there is a nip in the air, and soup sounds good.

Old Age Day by Day October 23, 2011

In my Buddhist study group, we are discussing the chapter on Patience in Shantideva's teachings.  Patience is an old fashioned word, and a virtue that I don't hear being talked about these days.  It has connotations of passivity and self-denial.  Not attributes valued in our society.  Yet, when I focus on patience, expectation falls, the pressure is off, I can let time do some of the work.  I've learned, over the decades, that most of what I think must be acted upon immediately can wait, and when I wait, I decide not to act at all.  Instead of pushing, I let the rest of the world in to help determine what will be.  I am not acting alone, or hastily, and mostly, in my experience, that is a good thing. 

And patience is not passive, it takes active energy, and has active consequences.  It allows the shaft to fall from the wheat.  What remains is what I rightfully draw my attention to, and every minute held off from my action gives me time to observe others actions and incorporate a wider world, upon which I am dependent, to inform me.

Old Age Day by Day October 22, 2011

Last night we watched the DVD of Malick's Tree of Life, and this morning, I thought of how it shows anger moving from generation to generation, without even the barest consciousness of it.  The father is enraged at times, and takes it out on his sons, and the older son, angry at his father in childhood, carries it with him throughout his life.  Ironically, the father seems angry because he has not succeeded in the workplace the way he hoped, and he wants to instill in his sons the need to succeed.  But the son is successful, and the anger is still there.  Because we can pick up the anger habit, and not know we're doing it, or think we're doing it for good reasons.  And it causes so much unnecessary suffering for us and those around us.  I saw my Dad carry anger, and pass it on to his son, and I think my brother ever even knew where his rage was coming from.  My Dad was afraid of being unsuccessful, like his father, and his mother inflamed that disappointment.  But in reality, my grandfather was a sweet and loving man.  That should have counted for more.  My Dad was successful, but fearing the lack of success in his son, he left him with a feeling of being disappointing, a devastating way to feel.  There is plenty of suffering we cannot avoid in this life, but the anger habit is one that can change over time with awareness.  If it doesn't, the wake it leaves is like an undertow.

Old Age Day by Day October 21, 2011

There were two earthquakes yesterday, and by the time of the second one, in the evening, I was shaky myself.  We were on the eighth floor of a building, and our conductor released us early and we carefully walked down all the flights of stairs.  I thought I'd have trouble sleeping, but I woke up at seven, refreshed.  Today I'm making my husband fill our water barrel in the garage.  We have a pack, but it's probably fairly useless.  I never know where to keep the earthquake supplies.  What part of the house will collapse?  Is the garage a bad idea?  Both cars are in there, so that's a double whammy.  Whatever and whenever comes, I will feel unprepared and disconcerted, I feel rock certain of that.

Today I'm going to lunch with a friend, then seeing my Buddhist teacher.  These activities will be grounding for me.  October is a haunting month.  We had the big earthquake and the firestorm in October, and our memories are long.  Having even these small earthquakes is a reminder, of instability, change and surprise.  Somehow, I never get really comfortable with those three words.

Old Age Day by Day October 20, 2011

A dear friend is taking her refuge vows this coming Sunday.  She is a beautiful human being, and I feel joy for her and for myself in knowing her.  Being a witness to her complex nature has been so enlightening for me.  Her struggles feel like mine, at this point in the relationship and her triumphs mine as well.  She is my Buddhist swim buddy, though we study different paths and listen to different teachers most of the time.  What we share is how we take our intentions and discuss our attempts to integrate them into our ordinary lives.  And, increasingly, over the course of over a decade, we have seen this become easier.  When we tell each other about noticing a how we did or didn't say something, how we watched our reactivity and rode it out, how we were so proud of ourselves when our instincts lead to skillfulness with others or ourselves, we rejoice.

Growing older is challenging, but it is also rewarding, when we stay open to how that master - change - can work in our favor.  Then our aging becomes a blessing.

Old Age Day by Day October 19, 2011

My foster granddaughter and I went to visit my younger daughter's cats.  One hid under the bed, but the other graciously allowed her to pet her.  We then went for ice cream, to celebrate.  My granddaughter is into Wizard of Oz now.  I bought her a condensed book of it, but the last two weeks we've watched the DVD.  I saw it on TV growing up, and never read the books.  I was more of a horse girl.  National Velvet got my heart churning.  This is, of course, horse girl in the abstract.  I was never around horses much, and did not learn to ride, though my girlfriend and I used to rent horses when there were field trials in the countryside in Virginia and the horses took us whereever they wanted.  We had no control.  But as an adult, we had a pony for our kids and they had riding lessons, and competed.  Later we had a horse for seven years.  And until recently, our daughter-in-law had a pony school, so I'd go up and see them and take my granddaughter.  We came armed with apples and carrots. 

What I loved was reading about horses.  I had no physical courage, so I adored reading about horse racing and champions like Seabiscuit, Secretariat, Man o War, Citation.  I devoured the Black Stallion books and still watch the Triple Crown.  I am a sucker for biographies of horses.  I'm not entirely sure what they represent, but I know the horse is a powerful icon to me.  Maybe it's my Indian blood, or the way they connect with us.  Those big eyes are looking inside you and judging your intentions.
  I love dogs, but horses are like liquid mercury.  Beautiful movement and big soul and heart.

Old Age Day by Day October 18, 2011

Today is our older daughter's birthday.  I talked to her this morning and wished her well.  Last Friday she told us she is getting a divorce, and we are still stunned.  We want to support her, our granddaughter, and our son-in-law, and yet, it is not our business, and we can only offer our love and help.  They sound fine, and are cooperating and sharing custody.  But it is a big wrench, and our world has tilted on it's axis a bit for us. 

The night before last I dreamed our whole family was in a boat and it capsized, and we struggled to swim to shore, and when we looked around, some family members were missing.  Then we saw two grizzly bears being put in a small cage, and  a baby toddled up and we were yelling for someone to scoop it up and get it away from the cage.

Last night I dreamed my husband and I were in a car being chased and first I got shot in the gut, then he did and the car was careening out of control.

So my psyche is working on this news big time.  But in daily life, I'm glad everyone's healthy and I know and trust them to put our granddaughter first and be reasonable.  I also know it's my job to respect their choices, even if I don't understand them, and stay a steady light off in the distance.  This is their news, their lives and I don't really know what is best for anyone else.  Heck, I don't know what is best for me most of the time.  I have to trust the resilience of my family, as it is reconfigured.  And I do, deep down, I do.

Old Age Day by Day October 17, 2011

I watched my foster granddaughter play soccer Saturday morning, or bunchball, as the parents call it, and it was delightful to see the delight these little girls had in running around, not really understand what they were doing, but loving it anyway.  My granddaughter got some good kicks in and paid attention a t least half the time.  Although she was supposed to be a halfback, she liked to stay back by the goal, defending it, no matter what the coach said.  She was pleased with herself, and having a lot of fun.  I hope the game continues to be fun, and as little competitive as this was.  There was no score, as neither Brasil or Argentina could quite aim well enough to get close to the goal. 

Three out of four of my kids still play soccer regularly, and the fourth is dedicated to a martial arts regime.  So their joy in their bodies has remained, to some extent, and the thrill of moving is alive.  I'm glad that is so.

Old Age Day by Day October 13, 2011

I received two long letter emails today from friends and it felt great to hear from them.  They are both on the east coast, so calling is problematic, unless it's a weekend.  One is undergoing a huge medical crisis with her husband, and the other's life is smooth sailing at the moment.  Things change and are always changing, so I never know what the news will bring.  I am comforted, however, with the sense of connection with both, and the common struggle we all face in our turn.  We're in this great adventure called life together, and none of us get out alive.

I have a day of connections, starting with lunch with a dear friend, then going to a talk on campus with another, then chorus rehearsal.  Knowing this schedule, I am happily anticipating the day.  A day with friends is a good day for me.  Yesterday I had a long walk with a friend, and I was able to share her joy in her new granddaughter, talk about aging/health issues, and hear about her trip to China.  I was envigorated by the exercise and the talk, and later was able to express myself to my doctor more clearly and positively, which in turn caused him to encourage me.  Certainly, I take a village to keep on trucking!

Old Age Day by Day October 12, 2011

We finished watching "The War" last night.  It was hard.  It has been difficult to see all the graphic suffering and learn of the mistakes made in strategy and human error.  In the end, the stories of the people they follow are never over.  Decades later they are still suffering from flashbacks and altered views of the world and humanity.  It's painful to see the effects of war, most clearly on the innocent.  But I'm glad I watched it, because I believe I understand my parents' generation better.  I also see why the need for distraction was so great, and how the new technology of TV enabled people to look at stories that were simple and innocent, and try to believe that they, too, were Ozzie and Harriet and Lucy and Desi. 

And now we have a new distraction - the cell phone and computer - to keep us running away from a terrifying economy and acts of terror by others and ourselves.  My friend and I were walking to an art museum the other day and we noted that every person had ear buds and most were texting or talking on their cell phone.  We were the only ones looking around, enjoying the warm day, and seeing what was so.  To us it seems tragic, but soon, after our generation passes, there will be no one to notice.

Old Age Day by Day October 11, 2011

We had a nice long discussion with our older son last night.  It's a rare treat, as he's in grad school and lives far enough away that he hasn't much time.  He's married, and he and his wife have carved out a busy life of work, friends, enthusiasms.  It's good to get caught up, and it's also necessary, because he's been traveling so much for research that we lose track of everything important and end up with itineraries and dates, which don't tell us his state of mind.  It was sweet to hear about HIM.

I got a call yesterday from our older daughter that the witch outfit had arrived and was acceptable to the little bungie cord.  Our granddaughter only talked for a minute - she was tired from preschool and probably the rain as well.  But any little minute of that voice is delightful to me, and I got a kick out of our daughter and her band that has a gig this coming weekend.  I told her next they'd have groupies!

And then I had a third encounter yesterday with a dear friend who was upset and hurting, and we talked on the phone because her schedule and mine didn't permit anything more.  We have to wait until a better window of opportunity to really talk, but I just wanted to hug her and hold her hand. 

Three kinds of love, or expression of it.  And all in one day.

Old Age Day by Day October 10, 2011

I walked the dogs in the rain this morning.  It wasn't unpleasant.  It's a very gentle rain, and we had the dog traipsing paths to ourselves.  I think I've adjusted to fall now.  I love the Halloween decorations, and the children's enthusiasm for costumes.  I used to love the candy, too, especially candy corn and bite size 3 Muscateers and Snickers.  Sigh.  No more candy for me.  One daughter's birthday is a week away, and the other's is in December (as is my son-in-law's) and there is Thanksgiving.  I tore out a bunch of receipes from a magazine, and am contemplating green beans with dates and a new cranberry relish with many strange surprises in it.  I'm definitely getting in the mood.

Today I'm sewing hair on a cloth doll I bought for my granddaughter, then mailing packages and doing other errands.  We've gotten to the last disc on WWII, and may watch it tonight.  Our older son is coming for dinner, so I'm going to take more care than usual with dinner.  This diet has so far made me focus more intently on food, and that is not helpful.  I'm trying to see the thrill in broccoli, which I had with an egg for breakfast, but it ain't doin it!  The struggle goes on!

Old Age Day by Day October 9, 2011

We had a nice day yesterday, and old friends came for dinner.  I love the history we have with each other.  I think of the birth of their daughter, another daughter's chatter when we walked back from kindergarden together, canoeing on the lake, Thanksgivings and Christmases spent together.  These are people who have got our back, and have been there for us when we needed support.  And we live within walking distance of each other.  I have several really close friends who are right in my neighborhood.  On Friday another friend, who has moved farther away, and I walked towards campus, and browsed the Anthropology gift shop and the art museum.  We saw a baby show that we found interesting, and discovered that the bookstore was having a big sale, so we came out with about 5 or 6 books each.  It was fun, and we ate a late lunch with my husband joining us, and the leisurelyness of it was so delightful. 

Today we take a walk with our younger daughter, and then I plan to sew the yarn hair on a doll I found for my granddaughter, and we will probably resume World War II.  We just finished the battle of Saipan.  The reality of my life and the horror of war juxtaposed in the strange way that video allows nowadays. 

Old Age Day by Day October 7, 2011

After some torrential rain this week, today and the weekend are supposed to be warm.  Now they tell us, after we broke down and turned on the heat.  I intend to take full advantage of the warming, by going on a walk with a friend today, and a hike on Sunday.  Now that I can't eat, I'm focusing on nature.  I will have to feed my soul in other ways.  Actually, maybe eating a tuna melt was not feeding my soul anyway.

Chorus last night was that mixture of panic, when I can't get the notes, to pleasure, when I got through respectably.  I liked the songs we are singing better this time than two weeks ago, and the people are friendly.  I've not fallen in love with any of the songs, but it's early days.  Finding the space inside my mouth, and relaxing my throat are helping with my sound.  It feels healthy, almost like physical therapy. 

Certainly, eating to much was not physical therapy, and I knew it at the time.  Why do it?  Because like most folks, my instincts are way out ahead of my rational brain.  And why can I take better care now?  Because two friends are successfully losing weight, and I can talk about it with them, and I have a doctor who cares enough to keep encouraging me.  I'm pretty lucky.

Old Age Day by Day October 5, 2011

I have ordered and sent my granddaughter a witch hat and accoutrements for Halloween.  This is the second year she has wanted to be a witch.  Well, she is going to be a combination of Cinderella and a witch, whereas last year she was a fairy/witch.  I believe she must like pointy hats.  When I was last with her I asked if she was a good witch or bad witch, and she said there were no good witches.  I pointed out the good witch in Wizard of Oz.  She dismissed my argument.  I wonder if this witch/princess thing is a reconciliation of her good and bad sides.  If so, she's saving thousands of dollars in therapy later.  I myself have only recently allowed that I might have a dark side.  I like to think of myself as sitting beside Jesus in a baby blue dress, looking up adoringly.  In Sunday School, a picture in the room evidently imprinted on my brain in a permanent marker fashion.

My foster granddaughter's mom is having a baby, and we are all excited about that coming event.  We've begun thinking of names, even though the parents probably believe they are in charge.  My granddaughter is old enough not to feel threatened, she'll be almost seven when the baby arrives, and she's in school, on a soccer team, and has her peers.  I'm not saying there won't be adjustments, but she's not going to envy the baby being a baby.  She's had her mom to herself for a very long time.  Well, okay, maybe I'm naive, but at least I'm positive.

Old Age Day by Day October 4, 2011

I saw "Moneyball" last night and really enjoyed it.  Like "Social Network", also written by Adam Sorkin, it focuses on a complex individual and what drives him.  The fact that it is about my beloved Oakland A's also helps, though it is not your typical baseball movie.  I think it shows the mystery of the game and the heartache really well.  I went with my daughter and her boyfriend, and it was set in a time she remembers, though she's in her twenties.  Her boyfriend is from Philadelphia, so it perhaps was not as interesting to him, but he loves the game, and now he's based here, so it may be excellent background material.


My friend just called about seeing another movie, about Sarah Palin, but I don't have the detachment to see it.  None of what's going on the the Republican camp is amusing to me, just totally depressing.  We're going to look in the paper and see if we can find something else to go to.  Maybe seeing Ken Burns' "War" is taking its toll.  I feel like I'm learning so much about WWII and that era, but having myths dispelled is painful.  And the ugliness of war is unfathomable, no matter how much you learn.  The numbers alone stun me into confusion.  The deliberate cruelty and stupidity makes it hard to feel the value in being human.

Yep, I'm definitely not in the mood for anything other than a musical.  And I bet there are none in the theaters.  I'm going to go back to reading Bill Bryson's "The Thunderbolt Kid".  Very funny and light.

Old Age Day by Day October 3, 2011

I had decided to reread some Grahame Greene.  I'd devoured his books in my early twenties, and wondered how they'd hold up now.  I picked "Stamboul Train" to begin with, as I barely remembered it.  Wow!  Talk about noir!  The language is so dense and insidious, and the many points of view of the chararcters make it anxious and claustrophobic as the train itself.  The anti-Semitism is blatant, and  objectification of women rampant.  No one ends up looking innocent, and the use the characters make of each other is like a preview of the atmosphere before World War II in Europe.  Class and ethnicity and arbitrary power show the reader why another conflagration occurred.  Then my husband and I watched Part II of Ken Burns' The War, about World War II and I felt I had read the lead up to the ugliness and inhumanity of that conflict.  I believe I'll hunt out another of Greene's books.  He was a master of language and the complexity of human motivation.  He never makes it simple for us. 

One of the joys of growing older is this rereading of books.  Jump ahead a few decades, and my take on the same book is transformed.  It's almost magic!

Old Age Day by Day October 2, 2011

We had a lovely visit with our friends.  Smooth driving each way, and very relaxed.  We stay at the same motel each time, and it's comfortable and easy walking around the town from it.  Today is our opera, in which Renee Fleming supposedly flames out.  Well - the dying of the summer, the shift to fall, it all works.  I'm adjusting.  I'm also on a diet, and doing pretty good, but the lack of carbs is a toughie for me.  First the sugar, now no carbs, it doesn't leave much, but I guess that's the idea.  I'm afraid it's my husband who will lose the weight and I won't.  But I have lost some already, which is encouraging, and more importantly, I have two friends who are doing this as well, and I can talk to them and get some support.  I can see that I'm going to have to get into coffees and teas, and exotic greens and maybe just smelling things a lot.  I could be a bakery bum, staring through the window at those lucky people who get to BUY brioche.  I could rub fresh bread on my body, and sleep with raisin bagels under my pillow. 

In the meantime, while I'm whittling away to nothing, or at least a person with a waist, I can concentrate on my intellectual development.  More Rosetta Stone, less stoneground wheat.  And there is sewing, and walking, and singing, and all the other things I love, that I can look forward to instead of lunch.  I hope.