Old Age Day by Day December 19, 2011

I'm taking a break from the blog.  My granddaughter is coming and I've missed her so much.  She's only here a week and I'm going to enjoy her and our daughter all I can.  We have tree finding plans, sugar cookie plans, possible Fairyland, parties to attend, and an overnight getaway.  I can hardly wait until we pick them up at the airport tomorrow.  It's not only kids' heads which get filled with visions of sugarplums!  Hope the whole world relaxes, acts peacefully, appreciates family and friends, and lets the angels of our better selves prevail.

Old Age Day by Day December 17, 2011

I smell of Bon Ami and lysol.  We're cleaning today for the holidays, and it's sheer laziness the rest of the time that makes it such an effort.  Many tasks need doing, and there is a satisfaction in getting them done.  Also, I have no particularly exciting book I'm reading right now.  That is on purpose.  I'm reading a history of France during the Dreyfus Affair.  So the work is not keeping me from a riveting mystery.  I know better than to allow myself any ways out.  Because I always take them.

I am perhaps also too kind to spiders and their webs.  Today is going to be ruthless.  They will having to cease their construction until after the holidays.  Because I do have some pride left, and having guests getting all tangled in cobwebs is quite embarrassing.  I maybe even clean all the windows, though that is a lower priority.  And cleaning the stove - forgetaboutit.  Some tasks are just too gargantuan. 

But like spring cleaning, this work sets my heart soaring, because next come the people, the food, the laughter, the joy.

Old Age Day by Day December 16, 2011

Well the chorus concert is over and I enjoyed it despite myself.  We sang really well, a lot of people came, the food was great, and it's over.  I'm thinking of trying a funny solo a la Danny Kaye.  I'll see what my voice teacher thinks of the idea.  And I have a duet to work up with a fellow tenor.  I want to do "The Book of Love" by Magnetic Fields.  We're going to begin practicing in January.  In the meantime, only three more days until my daughter and granddaughter arrive, and then the tree, the cooking, the party, hopefully lots of laughter and fun.

But now to my voice lesson.  Must keep the old pipes in shape. 

Old Age Day by Day December15, 2011

Today is our son-in-law's birthday.  We left him a singing message on his cell phone.  I'm so old I miss the land lines and ability to actually connect with another human.  Now it's all messages and texts.  I finished wrapping presents yesterday, and tomorrow my younger son and I will tackle grocery shopping for our party.  We're trying to do as much ahead as possible.  It's fun having someone else to plan and help.  Maybe that is going to be almost as much fun as the party itself!

In the meantime I am practicing for our concert tonight and washing and cleaning.  Last night my husband and I watched "Super *" and it was great fun.  Then I continued my reading of "Judgment of Paris" about the Salon de Refuse and the Impressionists.  Some of it I knew, but I am learning about the emperors of France and artists like Messionier.  It's educational, and I'm seeing more the impact of modern artists like Manet, who is one of my all time faves.  A lot of his paintings are still disturbing.  I think it is because he engages us so directly - and the engagement is a kind of conspiracy, even now.

I'm heading off to lunch with a friend.  We'll catch up.  She has a baby granddaughter I want to hear all about!

Old Age Day by Day December 14, 2011

Well, all the decorations are pretty much up except the tree, which we will select when our granddaughter arrives.  It looks good.  I love the smell of the garlands.  And soon there will be the food smells and people in the house.  Our younger daughter helped a bit last night, and she and her boyfriend took home some stuff for decorating.  It's fun to see them get into the spirit.  They are going to have a little tree.  Today, my mission, should I choose to accept it, is to wrap presents.  I believe I have the tools and equipment to complete the task, and hopefully without dangling from a rope.

My foster granddaughter and I took a walk and looked at the shops yesterday.  There were kittens in the pet store, and she took a fancy to an all black one.  We saw a lady choose him and take him home.  That made us happy.  She found some amazing orange birds and we tried talking to the parrots.  No luck.  We read books in the bookstore, and examined the toy store carefully.  She had a S'more bar at the bakery, and we stayed out until dark, then returned and watched the Berenstain Bears until her mom came.  Next week, we're baking cookies!

Old Age Day by Day December 13, 2011

The thirteenth indeed!  My friend called and can't walk the dogs with me because her mom is very ill.  My husband is a grump.  I had a very bad night not sleeping and had a bad dream.  You know how it shakes you up when a dream is disturbing.  I'll be so busy today perhaps there is just no time for a funk, but right now I feel like stoking the fires, and getting myself as worked up as possible.  But, part of my mind knows these are little trifles, and the world has much bigger issues to contend with, and I am so lucky overall that it is ridiculous.  But I don't want to think about my fortunate state, I want to fantasize about my unfortunate state.  Am I absurd?  Absolutely!

I may be partly frazzled because I spent 40 minutes in line at the post office yesterday and then she wouldn't take my package because it was not wrapped well enough.  She relented a bit, gave me scissors and tape and had me work on it.  I eventually turned it in, but I was beaten down by the fray.  I tackled a store for gift bags and garlands, and waited in another line, then finally purchased my stuff and when I got home discovered I had one more garland than I'd paid for.  Did I return, dear reader, I did not.  So on top of everything else I am a criminal.  I hope the stripes are vertical in prison, because horizontal stripes do not suit me.

No wonder I'm in a mess.  The holidays have come home to roost!

Old Age Day by Day December 12, 2011

It's a dark, windy, blustery day.  We are taking our daughter-in-law to the airport, and it sure could be better weather for her flight.  She and our son will have a lovely time in London and Dublin, among family and the general friendliness of Ireland.  The weather - well, probably the weather won't be lovely, but she's prepared.  And we could be in London here today, with the overcast humidity and threatening rain. 

I have to expand my field when someone I love is far away.  It's stretched now to London and Dublin and Cork, but it has encompassed most of the world at times.  It's good exercise, to think of those parts of the planet we normally ignore.  To include them in our blessings, prayers and thoughts.  Yesterday, I thought of Mexico and the earthquake.  We are one planet, one living, breathing being.  I try to remember that fact.

Old Age Day by Day December 11, 2011

I went with my friend this morning to hear a Tibetan teacher, and he was delightful and gentle and wise.  I had been frayed and frazzled, but the sitting and then his talk balanced me back to some semblance of normalcy.  My friend bought me his book, so I'm going to read some of it this afternoon.  It's a dreary, looking like rain day, and all I want to do is eat muffins and drink tea.  Tomorrow is time enough to get back on track for the holidays.  I ended up getting a whole lot done yesterday - finishing cards, finishing sewing, shopping with my daughter and finding paper plates etc for my party.  So today is a day of rest, as it should be. 

Old Age Day by Day December 10, 2011

I entered the world of legos again with my husband yesterday.  We were searching for a gift for our granddaughter, and she is only 3 but fascinated by small legos.  First we considered a fire station, as she wants to be a firefighter when she grows up.  Then, the boat looked good, and with 300 pieces rather than double that.  There was the 3 in 1 bulldozer set.  There were Star Wars sets (she has no idea what that is), and lots of warfare type contraptions.  There was one sort of girl set, but it was a zoo, and she's been there, done that.  After careful consideration, we settled on the boat.  Then we spent another half hour looking at all the craft kits for our foster granddaughter.  Should we get one that said 8 an up when she is only 6?  Would her mother resent us forever?  The answer was leaning towards yes, so we finally picked to sets that were for 7 and up.  This world of toys is complicated.

So now we are done with the fun part of shopping, and actually, most of the other as well.  If I can just finish my sewing this weekend, we'll be set.  Oh, and the stack of cards, and the garlands, and then the lights.

Old Age Day by Day December 9, 2011

My youngest turns twenty nine today.  I have a red velvet cake all ready and we're going to a restaurant beforehand that she chose.  I am a mom who likes direction.  While I was getting the cake, in a bakery right out of the fifties, I noticed a stollen tree, darling santa and gingerbread cookies, petit fours that were like baby presents in bright colors.  I may be forced to come back right before Christmas.  My eyes lingered on a Tiana Princess and the Frog sheetcake with a lily pond, and I'm fond of the cupcakes shaped like frogs and mushrooms.  Yes, it's probably all still made with lard and clogs the arteries upon impact, but what a beautiful way to die.  Of course, I can't eat any of it due to diabetes, but what the hay, I can look, can't I?

Remember the cakes with the doll in the center and the cake was the skirt?  I dreamed of those when I was a kid.  My mother was a great cake maker, but like every other kid, I wanted store bought.  I guess some of that desire has lingered all this while.  Being in the bakery was delightful, and I never ate a thing.

Old Age Day by Day December 8, 2011

Our younger daughter returned from a three day teacher's conference the way you hope - full of energy, enthusiasm and ideas.  Her group was chosen to bring their idea into the classroom and see how it works, and she was proud.  The Gates Foundation is encouraging this inspiration for teachers, and I give them full credit for looking to the future - our kids.  Collaboration is the key to this approach, and it sounds rich with common sense.  I was upbeat just listening to her on the phone.  Tomorrow is her birthday, and I believe she has already received a great gift.

I am half way through my Stephen King book, and deep into that human impulse to change the past and hope for a better future.  There is a lot to think about with this time travel theme - back to the future indeed.  And other issues arise - like preventative incarceration, domestic abuse, and places that just seem to have a pall over them.  It's a fun read, but provocative as well.

Now I must stop dallying and take my pile of cards to the post office, do a few errands, practice before my voice lesson and see my therapist.  Time's awasting!

Old Age Day by Day December 7, 2011

My foster granddaughter and I had fun looking at ornaments yesterday and picking out one for her dog, one for the baby to come and a couple for her.  She wanted a Santa hat, and it looked adorable on her red hair.  Needless to say, we are in the holiday mood.  We sang Christmas carols all the way home.  Her mother is absolutely glowing in her pregnancy, and her happiness has radiated out to us all.  What a delight it is to share in such joy.

Maybe that was why I was up for seeing the old movie "On the Beach", and managed to enjoy the acting and the fact that it is as pertinent today as it was then.  But I had a rough night sleeping, so I believe it did disturb me.  Boy, was Ava Gardner gorgeous.  No one else has ever looked like her.  And Gregory Peck wasn't too shabby either, before he got so craggy.  And it was nice to see Antony Perkins in a role where he wasn't neurotic or worse.  But perhaps the next movie I watch will be a tad more upbeat.

Old Age Day by Day December 6, 2011

The Eames documentary yesterday was quite interesting, and I hadn't known much about them or that they did anything but furniture.  It stays complex, except for not really addressing Charles' infidelities, and the blurred boundaries between himself and his associates.  Ray is not equally represented, though they do address the sexism of the time about her.  But the real sexism seems to have come from Charles.  The cost of fame is implied, and the exhaustion of being playful perhaps past feeling it.  They were two very beautiful people, and that has it's own burden as well.  The film is good enough to show us how to see the shadow side of their lives for ourselves.

Then we met an elderly woman coming out, who asked if we had an Eames chair.  I did not, but my friend surprised me by saying she had a knock off.  My friend walked up the street with the lady to direct her to a cafe, and I walked home.  That spontaneous kindness is why I like my friend so much.  She's a good model for me.

Old Age Day by Day December 5, 2011

I finished a book I found mesmerizing.  Einstein's Girl is a fictional account of Berlin in 1933, set in a psychiatric hospital as the Nazis are gearing up to pass a law to exterminate all "defective" citizens.  Einstein is still in Germany but about to leave for England and then America, and he is abandoning his younger son, who is in another psychaitric facility, and his unacknowledged daughter born before he married his first wife, and adopted away to save shame.  These two children of Einstein are true, not fiction, and the complex feelings and sufferings of both are realistic and haunting.  The psychiatrist who is featured is humane and progressive, but he is battling a culture that is sadistic.  I couldn't put it down - well I did, but couldn't wait to get back to it.  It's a paperback.

Now I'm really reading something weird.  I haven't read Stephen King since I was in my early thirties, but I'm reading the new book 11/23/63.  It's a fun idea, to go back in time and try to change history, and he's a good writer, so he makes it gripping and easy to read.

But for today, I'm going out to lunch with a friend and see a movie about Eames.  It should be interesting.

Old Age Day by Day December 4, 2011

I had a relaxing week with my friend.  We saw art, visited people, had an overnight get-away and celebrated her birthday in high style.  Now, on to our younger daughter's birthday, and the holidays.  My daughter and I shopped yesterday and she has picked out very nice and sensible stuff.  She's easy to shop with and never pushes for more.  She's a saver and modest.  More importantly, she's always fun to be with.  We went back to our house and watched "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington", Frank Capra's take on Congress, and it is right on the money (yes, that is a pun).

Evidently, the corruption now is nothing on the corruption of 1939.  Oh, dear.

Today it is beautiful, crisp weather, and I've walked the dogs already, and am set for errands and a few tasks at home.  My husband just counted the pansy plants and we are six more down from yesterday.  The dogs are secretly pruning when we look the other way. 

Old Age Day by Day November 28, 2011

A dear friend is coming today for a few days visit, and we are celebrating her birthday by having a little overnight trip away.  I'm excited and pleased with myself for organizing things.  It's also delightful to have the break between Thanksgiving and the holiday rush.  We've been close through a lot of years and events.  Around forty years of heartaches and joys, misunderstandings and loving support.  She feels like family to me.

So I'll roll out the prosecco, cook up a storm, we'll see some art, do some wine tasting and have mud baths!  We're only going about an hour and a half away, but it will be an adventure, and I expect to be laughing quite a lot in the coming days.

Old Age Day by Day November 27, 2011

I finished "1Q84".  Now if only my wrists recover from holding up the book.  It is an extraordinary book, and I'm just going allow the images and ideas to simmer before I guess what the meaning is of much of the book.  But if I had to hazard a guess right now, it is about the acting of reading and engaging in a work of literature.  If so, it's the best description of the effect of literature I've ever seen.  But I'll be glad to be reading small, light less strenous books for my next several.  I feel like a marathon runner who has just crossed the line (and, of course, Murakami is a marathon runner).

Today is another crisp autumn day with trees in glorious color.  We have a maple in front that has turned fiery red, and a big beech that is golden yellow.  Up and down the street and in the neighborhood are gorgeous trees.  Nature's show - always the best. 

My friend and I saw "The Descendants" yesterday afternoon, and despite all the hype, it really is a terrific film, and well worth going to see.  The acting is excellent and the story and characters true to life and touching.  It's also funny.  And it does not flinch from the painful aspects of the story, or simplify things too much.  I didn't like Sideways much, but this is a much more mature work from director Payne.  It's a movie with a lot of resonance.

Old Age Day by Day November 26, 2011

Half our pansy plants are missing.  The dogs evidently either find them tasty or don't like the landscaping design.  They have flattened most of the back yard to the consistency of concrete, and now they have decided they don't care for the color green or leafiness.  If they could  gnaw down the trees they'd do it I'm sure.  They'd do well in Palm Desert or Death Valley.  I have pretty much conceded the back to them.  Next the house will resemble a kennel, and then the front yard will go.  It's like having my own private bulldozers.

I made a list yesterday.  It wasn't much, but it's a beginning to preparing for the holidays.  It can be checked off, and consulted and worried over.  I'm waiting for my cards from UNICEF, then I will address them, buy stamps and slowly write in them.  My daughter helped me with Snapfish, so I have pictures of the dogs looking ridiculous coming soon.  I'm thinking of garlands and narcissus bulbs, which can be bought ahead.  My mind is getting in the old groove, and slowly but surely, I'll be prepared.  It's reassuring.  Even though, so far, I only have a list.

Old Age Day by Day November 25, 2011

We had a mellow Thanksgiving, and the weather cooperated as well.  I ate bits and pieces of all my forbidden foods, and enjoyed every bite.  It's fun to have various people bring dishes and not be eating all my own concoctions all the time.  But I'm tired, because the holiday itself has such huge import that I feel like a hurdle has been jumped.  It's the downhill skiing from Thanksgiving to New Year's that is brisk, scary and joyful at the end, when all are gathered and the work is done.  A lot of generosity and good will is generated on the way, and I like to focus on that aspect.

Today I have set myself only one task, getting to the store to buy a few things, and I leave the frenzy of black Friday to other hardier souls than me.  I don't even have a shopping list yet, so it would be pointless.  There are holiday traditions I refuse to participate in, and the shopping mania is one.  But I respect those who must do it when they are off work, or so scrunched for time that strategic battle plans must be orchestrated.  I wish them well, those Pattons and Eisenhowers of the front line of "Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho".

Old Age Day by Day November 23, 2011

Today is prep day for tomorrow.  I'm making everything I'm bringing today, so I do not disrupt my daughter-in-law's kitchen during turkey chaos.  It's so lovely to be going somewhere else where we will be guests.  I've cooked a lot of Thanksgivings in my day, but I'm happy to concede to the newer generation.  All my kids are better cooks than I am, and not having the leftovers is good for my diet.  I'd hate to have to look at a pumpkin pie in the refrigerator and stare it down.  Actually, the thing I love most is turkey sandwiches and cranberry sauce.  Sigh.

And as you know, it was the Wampanoags who brought the meat to the Pilgrims, who were incompetent and starving, so I do have a long tradition.  Maybe the Pilgrims were giving thanks, but that didn't stop them from waging war and wiping out the people who helped them years before.  It is awfully hard to owe somebody something.  Easier to eliminate them rather than continue the gratitude route.

Well, I'm grateful for larger issues:  health, the health of my family, the fortune of birth and abundance in this country, even the contrariness of the American people, which mirrors the conflicts of the Native peoples before.  We're feisty, determined to our interests but with a streak a mile wide that relishes our differences, diversities, and the mirroring vast diversity of our land.  I celebrate not the several hundred year recent history, but the history of the Americas, rich and crazy and full of dance and music and singing and celebrating anything and everything.  And our ability, when it seems all hope is lost, to come together and appreciate each other in peaceful rituals that remind us we are bound together by land and cultures and common interests.

Old Age Day by Day November 22, 2011

This is the anniversary of JFK's assassination.  I had just turned eighteen, and was in my freshman college dorm when I heard a radio in the bathroom, and walked in to hear Cronkite.  I walked down a few blocks until I found a church and sat down in a pew.  It was unbelievable news, and though I was not crazy about JFK after the Bay of Pigs a few months before, when we high schoolers were drilled in huddling under our desks in case of nuclear attack, I knew it was a horrible event, and I thought of his children and young wife.  My then boyfriend was not upset.  He didn't like Kennedy.  So I stayed away from him.  I had no religion anymore, but being in a church was comforting, as I'd spent so much time inside one until I was a senior in high school, when one day it just all peeled off me like an old skin.  I searched every church and religion, and found that Buddhism appealed to me the most, but it would be many decades before I turned towards that practice and made a commitment. 

It was many years before I saw video of the event, or knew specific details.  I think my first viewing was in Oliver Stone's JFK.  So I did not have graphic images.  My images were of Jackie with the blood on her pink suit, JFK Jr saluting, the horse drawn carriage carrying the body.  I felt a great deal more when RFK died, and I was in Fiji, where my Marist Brothers fellow teachers were satirical about the ultra violent U.S.  And MLK died while I was half way around the world as well.  I was removed from images and detail until years later. 

But such events are indelible to those who live through them, and the anniversaries occasions for the sadness of all loss, especially the loss of idealism.

Old Age Day by Day November 21, 2011

I'm getting caught up in errands and holiday planning.  I also watched a few movies during the rainy bits of the weekend.  It's sunny now, and I'm getting excited just thinking about Christmas.  The radio station is playing Christmas songs 24/7 and I'm a happy camper.  I have so many sewing projects half done, but I'm very positive about accomplishing them, even though a few are left over from last Christmas.  I tried not to go crazy at the fabric store yesterday, but I'm not sure I succeeded. 

I still think it's a miracle when pieces of material get attached and become a tablecloth or runner or curtains.  I love making quilts.  I have fun picking fabrics that look good together, and adjusting what I have to make something that works.  Of course, this process includes the times I feel like taking a hammer to the sewing machine, and how frustrating it is when I've missed a seam or have to add thread to the bobbin when I'm on a roll.  Perhaps the recipients don't appreciate the results, but I'm proud as a peacock.

So let's see if I can make these darn placemats and napkins I've cut out, and devise a tablecloth quilt.  I'm ready to take it on!

Old Age Day by Day November 19, 2011

I watched two Robert Mitchum films last night, a sort of double feature.  The first was "Night of the Hunter", the only film directed by Charles Laughton.  It was a great film, with gorgeous images and a dreamlike feeling.  It was like being on the inside of a fairy tale.  The second was "Cape Fear", with Gregory Peck.  In both he is terrifying, but in completely different ways.  He had distinctive looks and delivery, and I can see why he was busy in Hollywood.  The first film is magic realism and the second is gritty realism. 

I'm trying to make this a weekend when I figure out my to-do list for the holidays.  Daunting but necessary.  My younger son and I are also going to come up with a date for the holiday supper I have each year.  Challenging tasks. 

But not as challenging and my new washing machine this morning, which seemed to balk and give up on our bedspread.  Dear reader, I admit I cried.  I also dragged the soggy spread out and it is draped over the tarped picnic table.  At times like this I wish I had a clothesline.  The machine worked fine the next two loads, so I guess something was on the wrong setting, and perhaps I need a low spin, but I lost my mind for a short while.  Now I'm calm again.  Maybe.

Old Age Day by Day November 18, 2011

Today the rain came and after I returned from walking the dogs, they rushed upstairs, wet fur, leaves and all, to lie on our bed.  Maybe I'll test out my new washer on the bedspread.  Maybe I'll try putting the dogs in the washer.  If I could lift them, that is.

I felt great last night singing.  I've nailed most of the music, and just need to learn a few lyrics by heart.  There are two new people who sing my part and I really, really like both of them.  One is young, the other my age, and they are funny and super friendly.  I am liking the songs more as well, though nothing quite grabs me as ones in the past.  I feel a part of the chorus now.  Not extra, not new, but belonging. 

My husband is going to the cabin this weekend, so I'm on my own, and I'm not sure what I'll do, or eat, or whom I'll see, but I usually enjoy the breaks from each other.  I'm not much of couple person, maybe because I've been part of one my whole adult life.  I like to try on singleness occasionally.

Old Age Day by Day November 17, 2011

Yesterday I saw the dermatologist and she examined the topography of my aging body.  Not a pretty sight, but it could be worse.  I grow things on my skin so well I could be a landscape designer, but unfortunately it does not transfer to actually gardening in soil.  I have blue things and cherry red things and hillocks and flatlands.  If I didn't have a sense of humor I'd be sunk.  I like to remember the alternative to aging and then immediately gratitude arises.

Today I see my once a month therapist, and she has come to seem like an old friend and reliable witness.  Running feelings and events by her has really helped anchor me.  She's respectful of my practice and my vows, and has good intuition.  But she's not a friend, and doesn't try, ironically, to fix things for me.  My friends tend to give advice, when all I want mostly is an ear, and the therapist is a very good ear.  She pipes up, but she knows fixing is contrary to my practice.  I feel her respect for who I am particularly at every turn.  So it's a good day, even if a friend canceled our outing and I need badly to practice my music before tonight's rehearsal.

Old Age Day by Day November 16, 2011

After my friend called to tell me about it, I listened to Joan Didion interviewed on the radio yesterday morning.  I had just finished her new book, Blue Nights, a week ago.  Just Didion's voice alone is so powerfully evocative.  And the subject is everyone's nightmare - the death of a child - in this case her grown daughter and only child.  As with her writing, the discussion was intricately complex.  There was medical confusion, insufficient information, the echoes of abandonment feelings because her daughter was adopted, the issue of mental illness, Didion's husband's sudden death during the process and much more.  Didion honors the complexity, and also her feelings of being inadequate, of not recognizing signs sooner, of not understanding children of adoption.

You don't necessarily entirely like Didion in this account, but in the same way you don't like yourself when you look back.  There is generosity, there are selfish interests, there is love, there is embarrassment.  We get to see Didion whole, and in that process, accept perhaps a little more of ourselves.  Everybody's guilty, everybody's innocent.  And grief has no closure.

Old Age Day by Day November 15, 2011

We went to a foundation event last night and saw some friends we hadn't seen in years.  I love when that happens.  We caught up and discovered some synchronicity in our lives.  She's seeing a biofeedback therapist I used to go to, and we discussed meditation and our kids being all grown up and movies and books.  And my husband had a nice talk with the man.  The food and everything else didn't matter, what was delightful to me was the contact with people I enjoy.  I feel I hop stone to stone from one encounter with a friend to another, and the space between is just water.  The stones are solid ground, and keep me upright.

Old Age Day by Day November 14, 2011

I had a busy weekend, with a study group, lunch with one son one day and the other the next, a concert, and a drive to the airport to drop off the son who will be in London for 3 months.  Lots of transitions and last week was the anniversary of my mother's death and funeral service.  I will catch up emotionally probably on Thursday, when I see my therapist for the monthly tuneup.

I've had a lot of conversations about the Occupy movement and the economic crises and what could be fixed and not fixed.  We clearly need to install regulations that Clinton rolled back, and my son was talking about the Tobin tax, which would tax transactions when brokers buy and sell, so that so many rapid fire transactions would be dis-incentivized.  Sounds good, but who is the person to stand up and be counted?  What the market is now able to do is gamble with the money of investors who have not signed up for risk.  The money is in the same pile, and it's a slight of hand game.  If the Feds would separate those two actions, then the addicts could gamble all they wanted, just not with our money.  They would fail, have logical consequences, like us ordinary folk, and hopeful get discouraged and get help for their addiction.  It's like we're all yoked to druggies.

Let's hope someone stands up for what is ethical and morally right.  I believe that is what a portion of the Occupy movement people are saying.  Let's have some common sense, and be protected by our government from sharks.  It's done on the beaches.  Let's do it on land.

Old Age Day by Day November 11, 2011

The rain is here.  We are postponing the dog walking, but I do have reasons I will go out this morning, and maybe it's a good thing.  But I cannot  foresee singing in the rain.  It's a little too cold and gloomy for that.  The going out has to do with picking up prescriptions, a doctor's appointment and lunch with a dear friend.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Well, not really.  It's not a Clint Eastwood life I lead.  I don't even think Clint Eastwood leads a Clint Eastwood life.  By the way, the reviews here for his new movie are pretty bad.  My friend and I had planned to see it, but now I wonder.  If I see it, it will be because I like thinking about his 0uevre. 

I certainly prefer thinking of films over the dramady of the news.  Awful, awful, awful.  I end up with terrible images stuck in my brain and anger that has no place to go.  Sexism, sexual abuse, violence, despair, poverty.  The only good news yesterday was a piece on the Wampanoeg tribe recovering and teaching it's language, not spoken for150 years.  It began with a group of Indians sitting around brainstorming, and then a woman emerging who decided to attend MIT Linguistics school for an MA, and returning to teach her tribe.  She won a MacArthur Fellowship last year.  They were able to reconstruct the language by written documents from long ago.  She seemed like such an amazing ordinary hero, and the pride the tribe is taking in tackling this monumental task is lovely to behold. 

I'm going to hold that image in my mind today.

Old Age Day by Day November 10, 2011

I just got off the phone with a young woman I've known since she was a kid.  She's running a charity auction and writing up the auction items, and I went over the wording and tweaked a few sentences.  It was fun, and served to remind me I have these skills that are mostly retired, but can be called up when necessary.  It reminds me of my former life, and strengths I had, and still have, but don't use often.  Since for me words have ever been magic, I love paying attention to them with another person.  One of my dear friends is fascinated by words as well, and we had a phone conversation the other night which was full of word play and fun.

No wonder Murakami is so delightful to read!  His love of language is so transparent and joyous.  Of course, at the rate I'm reading 1Q84, it will be the next century before I finish, but that means I have a good read every night for eternity.

Old Age Day by Day November 9, 2011

I am exchanging writing with a friend via email.  It's very different for me, but also quite interesting.  She sent hers in the form of a recording of her reading it, and the reading was so delightful that it was hard to tell how it would look on the page, but I suspect it would be charming as well.  I don't know if I could figure out how to do such a thing myself, but I may ask her how she did it.  Then I could read some silly poems to my granddaughter, and that sort of thing.  It's a great bit of technology, that's for sure.

This afternoon I have my foster granddaughter, and we will be working on a couple of craft projects.  Probably there will be drawing as well, as she is very keen these days on creating pictures.  I like to play it by ear and let her lead about our activities.  It's still pretty cold out and she gets so much exercise at school that we tend to do the inside cosy things.  I may actually get to read to her, if I play my cards right.  And yes, Old Maid and Hearts are games we've been tackling recently.  In the spring, we'll start making some baby things, as her mom is expecting in May.  At six, my granddaughter can really work on a quilt and contribute.  Something to look forward to.  I'm lucky.

Old Age Day by Day November 8, 2011

We bought a new washing machine, and it's more of a thrill that I would have imagined.  This tells you exactly how tame my life is.  Tomorrow it is delivered, and I announced to my husband that I'm washing everything in the house - slipcovers, curtains, dog beds, bedspreads, you name it.  There are many buttons on this new machine, and I plan to use them all.

I also made plans for when a friend comes to visit after Thanksgiving, which I'm excited about.  I love when she visits.  And I'm thinking of Thanksgiving, because I put the tablecloths on the tables and am thinking of various cranberry relishes.  These holidays are so loaded, and yet, and yet, they have their charm as well.  It helps to like turkey, pumpkins, and canberries.  Is there anything better than a turkey sandwich the next day?  I doubt it seriously.

I'm only responsible for the cranberry and jello salad at this point, but I plan to seek out a few other delicacies to bring to my daughter-in-law's.  And before I know it, it will be that week and that day. 

Old Age Day by Day November 7, 2011

It's brilliant, beautiful fall weather, and I've only been out in it so far to get a blood test and go to Trader Joe's, but when I sit at my desk I see the upper back yard and trees.  I'm a bit frazzled, because I'm trying to get a retreat venue date settled for my teacher, and the email thing is actually slowing things down.  Or there is more than one person taking reservations.  Hopefully, it will get sorted out today.  Whatever will be will be as the old song goes.

I'm tackling Murakami's opus now.  I feel strong enough.  I have the will to succeed.  And yesterday I read a review that it is best read in as close to one sitting as possible.  Since it's over 900 pages, that seems absurd, but I will at least attempt not to pick up any other books while I'm reading 1Q84.  It might also involve giving up all the other little projects I work on daily, like Spanish, music and the perpetual organizing.  Today I took all the dogs' toys downstairs.  That won't last long. 

I'm looking forward to seeing a friend today who lives north but is down here for several days.  We're having tea here and I'm going to make scones.  I even have Devonshire cream, as my local market carries luxuries like that.  It will be delightful, I'm sure.

Old Age Day by Day November 6, 2011

I have emerged unscathed from a relative's abundant feast.  I had only one helping, and ignored the bread (my favorite part), and refused cake.  And it felt fine.  The conversation and warmth far outweighed (get it?) the temptation to overeat.  It was raining and cold, and it felt great to be inside a warm room laughing and catching up.  Now I can go back to my salad grazing and continue my discovery of a lesser me.

Less is more, and all that.  Less talking means more listening, less thinking means more intuition, less judgment means more generosity of spirit, less expectation means more awareness of the here and now.

Old Age Day by Day November 5, 2011

It's very cold today.  A perfect day for going to my relatives for lobster curry.  Which we are doing.  A perfect day to read a good mystery, which I have in hand.  A perfect day to STAY INSIDE.  I guess I'll have to do my exercise video if I want to move at all.  Or bundle up and hit the streets.  First I have to find my gloves and hat and scarf and look into the dark end of the closet and see what winter coats are hidden there.  I tried just wearing my fleece jacket over a tee shirt and sweater yesterday, but that was clearly not enough protection from the elements.  Serious adjustments are in order.  I am going into ALERT WINTER MODE.

Now I know to most of the country this is laughable.  I'm sorry, but this extreme weather change.  So even if the temperature is what you in your part of the country consider mild spring or fall, it is dramatic to us.  We need our drama.  So I'm going to bundle up like a package of blankets being mailed to Alaska.  And then waddle my away out in the tundra.

Old Age Day by Day November 4, 2011

I'm plunking along with my Spanish lessons via Rosetta Stone.  At some point I'm going to have to attempt speaking to a live person in Spanish, and that still seems scary, but I am picking up a lot of vocabulary.  I am far enough that the program is teaching me all the little accent marks, which I usually forget to type in.  And some words seem all wrong, like cinturon for belt.  And marron for brown.  I always think maroon.  And the possessive pronouns with gender attached.  Me or my!  But the sense of being outside of myself and my normal world is delightful, and I find it hilarious to pronounce Japon or Russia.  And Americans seem to be represented mainly by cowboys and cowgirls.  Oh, and baseball players.  At least they are benign stereotypes.  What other countries think of us really would often be unfit to print. 

I live where there is a constant immersion in Spanish, at least the Mexican version.  And so many of my fellow Californians speak Spanish.  And our history involves Spain as well.  There is a familiarity with every word I learn.  Like coming home.  This may also be because I was born on the border between Texas and Mexico.  And that border is mostly artificial.  We are all Norte Americanos.  I find that fact pleasing.

Old Age Day by Day November 3, 2011

We saw Lang Lang with several friends last night, and he was pretty amazing.  He played Bach, Schubert and Chopin, and I found myself most drawn to the Schubert.  He's almost like a dancer, and his whole body is engaged.  It's similar to what our chorus director instructs us to do when we sing.  It's a dance with the words and music.  Leaving out the body puts distance between us and the music, but swaying and moving pulls us into the world of that piece.

It has taken me a long time to acknowledge my own body, give it due respect, and include it in my life.  Zen has given me that awareness, and I do believe I am so much happier for it.  Instead of warring with my body, I am now listening to it, treating it more kindly, and respecting it's gentle and sometimes not so gentle aging.  My body is my trusty friend.  It holds me in it's embrace and if it should let go, and it will sometime, I am no more.  So in the meantime, kindness in all things, and a new understanding of what the body can teach me.

Old Age Day by Day November 2, 2011

We're in the midst of a wind storm.  It brought down a huge tree two houses up, but luckily, not on the houses.  We woke up to sawing and machines.  There are huge trees on our property and on both sides, so the wind is nervous-making.  But it's better than the horrendous snowstorm on the East Coast.

Tonight we go to see Lang Lang in concert.  It should be delightful.  We are still basking in the glow of Handel's Xerxes opera on Sunday.  It was sublime.  The voices, the acting, Susan Graham, the contratenor, the sets, the costumes.  I had my voice lesson yesterday and felt improved just from a little musicality rubbing off from opera.  Unfortunately, it may not last.  But for now, I'm singing part of The Magic Flute as I walk the dogs.  We all have our fantasies.

So, on to laundry and cleaning up debris in the yard - but I can whistle while I work!

Old Age Day by Day November 1, 2011

We had exactly two children trick or treat at our door last night.  Oh, well.  We watched War of the Worlds, and then Antique Road Show.  I don't know which was scarier.  Some very valuable items are in amazingly hideous taste.  Like the cabbage teapot with the snake.  Or the cans of food from the 1800's.  On the basis of last night's show, I should search through my most hideous pieces and put them on display.  I don't think so.

I have a voice lesson today, and then my granddaughter, whom I'd like to take to Puss N' Boots, if the showtime is right.  She's a Shrek fan.  She may be too exhausted from candy and sanctioned begging at doors.  We'll see.

It figures that the scariest thing about the remake of War of the Worlds is Tim Robbins, not the hammerhead aliens.  We like to focus on the other, but it's our own species is what does us in.  And Tom Cruise is frightening as a Dad in charge of his own kids with Mommy away.  Yet he comes through, though terrified, and I think it's what we hope we'd do as well.  We have no confidence, but we hope we won't give up, no matter what, not when our kids are involved.  I like the message that heroes are not people who aren't scared, they are people who act while they're scared out of their wits.  All through the movie I was thinking of earthquakes (with the ground heaving up it was impossible not to, at least to a West Coast person) and what I would be capable of doing.  Could I stay calm?  Probably not, but I might be able to do a good imitation.  I hope I never have to be put to the test.

Old Age Day by Day October 31, 2011

Well, I've purchased the candy, and the candles for the two pumpkins and am prepared for a horde, though we get more of a trickle of treat-or-treaters.  We have too many stairs, as do many houses on our block, so kids go to the streets that are easier pickings.  I don't blame them.  I do wish I could have a teeny tiny handful of candy corn or bite sized Three Muskateers.  Sigh.

I did a few errands and got more yarn this morning.  When I want to eat, I knit.  It works pretty well, and has the advantage that I am shoring up gifts for Christmas.  I also believe it helps mitigate the arthritis in my hands.  I pick colors that are lushous and tasty looking.

I'm reading a Rebecca Solnit book about Ireland, and picturing my visits and my relatives there.  Next is Haruki Murakami's new opus, 1Q84.  I've read the first chapter and it is terrific.  I can't wait to read the rest but want to finish the book I'm reading first.  I'm trying to be disciplined.  The reviews for 1Q84 are spectacular.  He's my favorite living writer, for sure.  They are talking Nobel Prize in Literature in the reviews. 

Old Age Day by Day October 30, 2011

We're off to the opera soon.  It's a whole afternoon affair, and it's a beautiful day, so it's crazy, but there you are.  One must make sacrifices for art.  Susan Graham will be singing, so I look forward to that, plus I adore Handel.  If I can just keep my mind off comparisons to being imprisoned in a tiny closet with a view. 

Last night my husband and I watched the Robin Hood movie with Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett.  I don't know why I like it so much, but the actors are part of it.  Max Von Sydow, Danny Huston and others make it a delight, and it has an anti-war stance that seems valid.  But it may just be Crowe.  He's pretty mesmerizing.  He can do a man of honor better than anyone right now.  The only other actor I can think of is Matt Damon.  And it's nice to see such a man on screen, since offscreen, well, let's just say they are hard to come by.  When I need reassurance, I have to watch Gandhi or Gladiator or Amistad or Last of the Mohicans.  Humm.  I notice no 20th or 21st century heroes.  I think that says it all.

Old Age Day by Day October 29, 2011

We've been walking a lot today, first around the reservoir and then to lunch.  The weather is perfect, sunny and warm, and everyone is getting out before the rains.  We've had a rash of little earthquakes centered right under us, so that makes us all relish being out of our houses a little more, as well.  October, the month of earthquakes and firestorms, is just nervous making.  Halloween fits right in with our states of mind. 

We had great fun last night watching the end of the World Series and seeing the team we rooted for win.  But I love Coach Washington so much that it hurt that he couldn't win as well.  What a battle for the ages it was!  Now it's all over until spring training, except for the praying that the A's get a grip. 

Tomorrow we see a 4 hour Handel opera, Xerxes, so that will reorient us smartly toward the cultural end of life.  I do love Handel, but I need comfortable shoes, underwear and a lot of bathroom standing in line to make it through such a long opera.  It's kind of a marathon, but with no physical benefits.

Old Age Day by Day October 28, 2011

What a game!  What nail biting, what shouting, what euphoria!  I know, they have to win tonight as well, but they can't take away last night.  It was what baseball is about - the surprise, the errors, the hopes dashed, the thrill as the ball goes over the fence.  Ah, satisfaction.  Both teams are playing so well, so fairly, and with such good grace.  The coaches are wonderful.  La Russa glum and trying not to bite his nails, Washington applauding and emotional.  We get the whole gamut of the game just in the coaches alone. 

Now my husband and I are about to go see a Pizzaro exhibit, and I can't think of a connection, except I expect happiness from the sight of the paintings.  Human beings are physical, and it's a gift to the apex of that.  They are emotional, and you get that in baseball and painting.  And they are creative, and you get that both places as well.  In baseball it's strategy and fluidity, in painting it's letting the moment come through you and your skills and engage you deeply.  Actually, the later is true for the first and vice versa.  Hey, I've just proved that there is no difference at all between baseball and great art!  Or not.

Old Age Day by Day October 27, 2011

A friend and I had a long walk yesterday and lunch out.  Before that I had coffee with another dear friend.  It was good to walk and talk and laugh.  Today I have therapy again.  I usually have it only once a month, but I'm still absorbing the news about our older daughter's divorce, and I can use the guidance.  I feel like there is a pall over me, and last night I talked to our younger son and he seemed so sad with his breakup of his romance that I just wanted to be able to DO SOMETHING.  Of course, I cannot.  It's not my business.  And I'm not much of a sounding board either.  Either they are protecting me or nobody fancies me for a sounding board.  I feel useless.  So, what do you know, I have to notice my own reactions and my ambulance chaser bent, and settle in to feel some measure of sorrow for a while.  Shoot!

In the meantime, I have chorus tonight and my husband has promised to come up with a new place for lunch, and the sun is shining and despite the fact we woke up early from another earthquake, the day will undoubtedly contain some delightful moments, and I am determined not to worry about what I cannot affect.  I hope.

Old Age Day by Day October 25, 2011

The weather has changed.  We're talking Fall here.  The Halloween decorations mitigate the cooling off a bit for me.  Sunday my daughter and I went to a Halloween store and she picked out giraffe ears and tail for her teaching, and then got some gloves and stuff for some kind of Tron outfit for a party with her friends.  There was a tiny boy there trying on pig ears, but later we saw he had settled for being a firefighter.  There was some majorly scary stuff in the store, and he was saying he was scared.  The parents should have thought that one out more thoroughly.  They could have gone to a toy store.  But then, every R rated movie I go to there are small children dragged along with their parents, and I always wonder if it is worth the nightmares and trips into the room for comforting.  However, maybe those parents don't comfort their kids, and that leads to thoughts scarier than the movie.

I'm being judgmental, a habit I've been trying to crack for years.  I just saw too much bad stuff between working in the DA's office in Victim Assistance and the years in battered women's shelters.  Some children are all alone in a terrifying world.  My friend and I used to threaten to kidnap some of these kids to rescue them.  Social services seldom got their act together to save them.  But we never did.  We had our own kids and no where to run.  But it tore us up.  So I'm a little over reactive as a result.

Old Age Day by Day October 24, 2011

We've been watching the World Series, and had a disappointing night last night, with our team losing.  But it's a close series and baseball is being well played, so that is fun.  We couldn't get the A's there, but at least La Russa is.  My family on both sides is from Missouri, so rooting for Saint Louis is fine and dandy.  Okay, I was born in Texas, but that was too long ago. 

I saw a movie yesterday afternoon, Margin Call, and it was not as good as the New York Times pronounced, but I was struck by the acting of Kevin Spacey.  I did not like him in the role for which he won the Oscar, American Beauty.  Of course I loved him in the Usual Suspects.  But in this film he is different, yet uses his amazingly evocative face to convey a huge range of emotions.  I have new respect for him.  It's really his film, though it has a host of super actors, like Jeremy Irons and Paul Bettany.

I'm making a soup with chicken and quinoa this afternoon, and the receipe looks yummy.  It's still sunny weather, but at night there is a nip in the air, and soup sounds good.

Old Age Day by Day October 23, 2011

In my Buddhist study group, we are discussing the chapter on Patience in Shantideva's teachings.  Patience is an old fashioned word, and a virtue that I don't hear being talked about these days.  It has connotations of passivity and self-denial.  Not attributes valued in our society.  Yet, when I focus on patience, expectation falls, the pressure is off, I can let time do some of the work.  I've learned, over the decades, that most of what I think must be acted upon immediately can wait, and when I wait, I decide not to act at all.  Instead of pushing, I let the rest of the world in to help determine what will be.  I am not acting alone, or hastily, and mostly, in my experience, that is a good thing. 

And patience is not passive, it takes active energy, and has active consequences.  It allows the shaft to fall from the wheat.  What remains is what I rightfully draw my attention to, and every minute held off from my action gives me time to observe others actions and incorporate a wider world, upon which I am dependent, to inform me.

Old Age Day by Day October 22, 2011

Last night we watched the DVD of Malick's Tree of Life, and this morning, I thought of how it shows anger moving from generation to generation, without even the barest consciousness of it.  The father is enraged at times, and takes it out on his sons, and the older son, angry at his father in childhood, carries it with him throughout his life.  Ironically, the father seems angry because he has not succeeded in the workplace the way he hoped, and he wants to instill in his sons the need to succeed.  But the son is successful, and the anger is still there.  Because we can pick up the anger habit, and not know we're doing it, or think we're doing it for good reasons.  And it causes so much unnecessary suffering for us and those around us.  I saw my Dad carry anger, and pass it on to his son, and I think my brother ever even knew where his rage was coming from.  My Dad was afraid of being unsuccessful, like his father, and his mother inflamed that disappointment.  But in reality, my grandfather was a sweet and loving man.  That should have counted for more.  My Dad was successful, but fearing the lack of success in his son, he left him with a feeling of being disappointing, a devastating way to feel.  There is plenty of suffering we cannot avoid in this life, but the anger habit is one that can change over time with awareness.  If it doesn't, the wake it leaves is like an undertow.

Old Age Day by Day October 21, 2011

There were two earthquakes yesterday, and by the time of the second one, in the evening, I was shaky myself.  We were on the eighth floor of a building, and our conductor released us early and we carefully walked down all the flights of stairs.  I thought I'd have trouble sleeping, but I woke up at seven, refreshed.  Today I'm making my husband fill our water barrel in the garage.  We have a pack, but it's probably fairly useless.  I never know where to keep the earthquake supplies.  What part of the house will collapse?  Is the garage a bad idea?  Both cars are in there, so that's a double whammy.  Whatever and whenever comes, I will feel unprepared and disconcerted, I feel rock certain of that.

Today I'm going to lunch with a friend, then seeing my Buddhist teacher.  These activities will be grounding for me.  October is a haunting month.  We had the big earthquake and the firestorm in October, and our memories are long.  Having even these small earthquakes is a reminder, of instability, change and surprise.  Somehow, I never get really comfortable with those three words.

Old Age Day by Day October 20, 2011

A dear friend is taking her refuge vows this coming Sunday.  She is a beautiful human being, and I feel joy for her and for myself in knowing her.  Being a witness to her complex nature has been so enlightening for me.  Her struggles feel like mine, at this point in the relationship and her triumphs mine as well.  She is my Buddhist swim buddy, though we study different paths and listen to different teachers most of the time.  What we share is how we take our intentions and discuss our attempts to integrate them into our ordinary lives.  And, increasingly, over the course of over a decade, we have seen this become easier.  When we tell each other about noticing a how we did or didn't say something, how we watched our reactivity and rode it out, how we were so proud of ourselves when our instincts lead to skillfulness with others or ourselves, we rejoice.

Growing older is challenging, but it is also rewarding, when we stay open to how that master - change - can work in our favor.  Then our aging becomes a blessing.

Old Age Day by Day October 19, 2011

My foster granddaughter and I went to visit my younger daughter's cats.  One hid under the bed, but the other graciously allowed her to pet her.  We then went for ice cream, to celebrate.  My granddaughter is into Wizard of Oz now.  I bought her a condensed book of it, but the last two weeks we've watched the DVD.  I saw it on TV growing up, and never read the books.  I was more of a horse girl.  National Velvet got my heart churning.  This is, of course, horse girl in the abstract.  I was never around horses much, and did not learn to ride, though my girlfriend and I used to rent horses when there were field trials in the countryside in Virginia and the horses took us whereever they wanted.  We had no control.  But as an adult, we had a pony for our kids and they had riding lessons, and competed.  Later we had a horse for seven years.  And until recently, our daughter-in-law had a pony school, so I'd go up and see them and take my granddaughter.  We came armed with apples and carrots. 

What I loved was reading about horses.  I had no physical courage, so I adored reading about horse racing and champions like Seabiscuit, Secretariat, Man o War, Citation.  I devoured the Black Stallion books and still watch the Triple Crown.  I am a sucker for biographies of horses.  I'm not entirely sure what they represent, but I know the horse is a powerful icon to me.  Maybe it's my Indian blood, or the way they connect with us.  Those big eyes are looking inside you and judging your intentions.
  I love dogs, but horses are like liquid mercury.  Beautiful movement and big soul and heart.

Old Age Day by Day October 18, 2011

Today is our older daughter's birthday.  I talked to her this morning and wished her well.  Last Friday she told us she is getting a divorce, and we are still stunned.  We want to support her, our granddaughter, and our son-in-law, and yet, it is not our business, and we can only offer our love and help.  They sound fine, and are cooperating and sharing custody.  But it is a big wrench, and our world has tilted on it's axis a bit for us. 

The night before last I dreamed our whole family was in a boat and it capsized, and we struggled to swim to shore, and when we looked around, some family members were missing.  Then we saw two grizzly bears being put in a small cage, and  a baby toddled up and we were yelling for someone to scoop it up and get it away from the cage.

Last night I dreamed my husband and I were in a car being chased and first I got shot in the gut, then he did and the car was careening out of control.

So my psyche is working on this news big time.  But in daily life, I'm glad everyone's healthy and I know and trust them to put our granddaughter first and be reasonable.  I also know it's my job to respect their choices, even if I don't understand them, and stay a steady light off in the distance.  This is their news, their lives and I don't really know what is best for anyone else.  Heck, I don't know what is best for me most of the time.  I have to trust the resilience of my family, as it is reconfigured.  And I do, deep down, I do.

Old Age Day by Day October 17, 2011

I watched my foster granddaughter play soccer Saturday morning, or bunchball, as the parents call it, and it was delightful to see the delight these little girls had in running around, not really understand what they were doing, but loving it anyway.  My granddaughter got some good kicks in and paid attention a t least half the time.  Although she was supposed to be a halfback, she liked to stay back by the goal, defending it, no matter what the coach said.  She was pleased with herself, and having a lot of fun.  I hope the game continues to be fun, and as little competitive as this was.  There was no score, as neither Brasil or Argentina could quite aim well enough to get close to the goal. 

Three out of four of my kids still play soccer regularly, and the fourth is dedicated to a martial arts regime.  So their joy in their bodies has remained, to some extent, and the thrill of moving is alive.  I'm glad that is so.

Old Age Day by Day October 13, 2011

I received two long letter emails today from friends and it felt great to hear from them.  They are both on the east coast, so calling is problematic, unless it's a weekend.  One is undergoing a huge medical crisis with her husband, and the other's life is smooth sailing at the moment.  Things change and are always changing, so I never know what the news will bring.  I am comforted, however, with the sense of connection with both, and the common struggle we all face in our turn.  We're in this great adventure called life together, and none of us get out alive.

I have a day of connections, starting with lunch with a dear friend, then going to a talk on campus with another, then chorus rehearsal.  Knowing this schedule, I am happily anticipating the day.  A day with friends is a good day for me.  Yesterday I had a long walk with a friend, and I was able to share her joy in her new granddaughter, talk about aging/health issues, and hear about her trip to China.  I was envigorated by the exercise and the talk, and later was able to express myself to my doctor more clearly and positively, which in turn caused him to encourage me.  Certainly, I take a village to keep on trucking!

Old Age Day by Day October 12, 2011

We finished watching "The War" last night.  It was hard.  It has been difficult to see all the graphic suffering and learn of the mistakes made in strategy and human error.  In the end, the stories of the people they follow are never over.  Decades later they are still suffering from flashbacks and altered views of the world and humanity.  It's painful to see the effects of war, most clearly on the innocent.  But I'm glad I watched it, because I believe I understand my parents' generation better.  I also see why the need for distraction was so great, and how the new technology of TV enabled people to look at stories that were simple and innocent, and try to believe that they, too, were Ozzie and Harriet and Lucy and Desi. 

And now we have a new distraction - the cell phone and computer - to keep us running away from a terrifying economy and acts of terror by others and ourselves.  My friend and I were walking to an art museum the other day and we noted that every person had ear buds and most were texting or talking on their cell phone.  We were the only ones looking around, enjoying the warm day, and seeing what was so.  To us it seems tragic, but soon, after our generation passes, there will be no one to notice.

Old Age Day by Day October 11, 2011

We had a nice long discussion with our older son last night.  It's a rare treat, as he's in grad school and lives far enough away that he hasn't much time.  He's married, and he and his wife have carved out a busy life of work, friends, enthusiasms.  It's good to get caught up, and it's also necessary, because he's been traveling so much for research that we lose track of everything important and end up with itineraries and dates, which don't tell us his state of mind.  It was sweet to hear about HIM.

I got a call yesterday from our older daughter that the witch outfit had arrived and was acceptable to the little bungie cord.  Our granddaughter only talked for a minute - she was tired from preschool and probably the rain as well.  But any little minute of that voice is delightful to me, and I got a kick out of our daughter and her band that has a gig this coming weekend.  I told her next they'd have groupies!

And then I had a third encounter yesterday with a dear friend who was upset and hurting, and we talked on the phone because her schedule and mine didn't permit anything more.  We have to wait until a better window of opportunity to really talk, but I just wanted to hug her and hold her hand. 

Three kinds of love, or expression of it.  And all in one day.

Old Age Day by Day October 10, 2011

I walked the dogs in the rain this morning.  It wasn't unpleasant.  It's a very gentle rain, and we had the dog traipsing paths to ourselves.  I think I've adjusted to fall now.  I love the Halloween decorations, and the children's enthusiasm for costumes.  I used to love the candy, too, especially candy corn and bite size 3 Muscateers and Snickers.  Sigh.  No more candy for me.  One daughter's birthday is a week away, and the other's is in December (as is my son-in-law's) and there is Thanksgiving.  I tore out a bunch of receipes from a magazine, and am contemplating green beans with dates and a new cranberry relish with many strange surprises in it.  I'm definitely getting in the mood.

Today I'm sewing hair on a cloth doll I bought for my granddaughter, then mailing packages and doing other errands.  We've gotten to the last disc on WWII, and may watch it tonight.  Our older son is coming for dinner, so I'm going to take more care than usual with dinner.  This diet has so far made me focus more intently on food, and that is not helpful.  I'm trying to see the thrill in broccoli, which I had with an egg for breakfast, but it ain't doin it!  The struggle goes on!

Old Age Day by Day October 9, 2011

We had a nice day yesterday, and old friends came for dinner.  I love the history we have with each other.  I think of the birth of their daughter, another daughter's chatter when we walked back from kindergarden together, canoeing on the lake, Thanksgivings and Christmases spent together.  These are people who have got our back, and have been there for us when we needed support.  And we live within walking distance of each other.  I have several really close friends who are right in my neighborhood.  On Friday another friend, who has moved farther away, and I walked towards campus, and browsed the Anthropology gift shop and the art museum.  We saw a baby show that we found interesting, and discovered that the bookstore was having a big sale, so we came out with about 5 or 6 books each.  It was fun, and we ate a late lunch with my husband joining us, and the leisurelyness of it was so delightful. 

Today we take a walk with our younger daughter, and then I plan to sew the yarn hair on a doll I found for my granddaughter, and we will probably resume World War II.  We just finished the battle of Saipan.  The reality of my life and the horror of war juxtaposed in the strange way that video allows nowadays. 

Old Age Day by Day October 7, 2011

After some torrential rain this week, today and the weekend are supposed to be warm.  Now they tell us, after we broke down and turned on the heat.  I intend to take full advantage of the warming, by going on a walk with a friend today, and a hike on Sunday.  Now that I can't eat, I'm focusing on nature.  I will have to feed my soul in other ways.  Actually, maybe eating a tuna melt was not feeding my soul anyway.

Chorus last night was that mixture of panic, when I can't get the notes, to pleasure, when I got through respectably.  I liked the songs we are singing better this time than two weeks ago, and the people are friendly.  I've not fallen in love with any of the songs, but it's early days.  Finding the space inside my mouth, and relaxing my throat are helping with my sound.  It feels healthy, almost like physical therapy. 

Certainly, eating to much was not physical therapy, and I knew it at the time.  Why do it?  Because like most folks, my instincts are way out ahead of my rational brain.  And why can I take better care now?  Because two friends are successfully losing weight, and I can talk about it with them, and I have a doctor who cares enough to keep encouraging me.  I'm pretty lucky.

Old Age Day by Day October 5, 2011

I have ordered and sent my granddaughter a witch hat and accoutrements for Halloween.  This is the second year she has wanted to be a witch.  Well, she is going to be a combination of Cinderella and a witch, whereas last year she was a fairy/witch.  I believe she must like pointy hats.  When I was last with her I asked if she was a good witch or bad witch, and she said there were no good witches.  I pointed out the good witch in Wizard of Oz.  She dismissed my argument.  I wonder if this witch/princess thing is a reconciliation of her good and bad sides.  If so, she's saving thousands of dollars in therapy later.  I myself have only recently allowed that I might have a dark side.  I like to think of myself as sitting beside Jesus in a baby blue dress, looking up adoringly.  In Sunday School, a picture in the room evidently imprinted on my brain in a permanent marker fashion.

My foster granddaughter's mom is having a baby, and we are all excited about that coming event.  We've begun thinking of names, even though the parents probably believe they are in charge.  My granddaughter is old enough not to feel threatened, she'll be almost seven when the baby arrives, and she's in school, on a soccer team, and has her peers.  I'm not saying there won't be adjustments, but she's not going to envy the baby being a baby.  She's had her mom to herself for a very long time.  Well, okay, maybe I'm naive, but at least I'm positive.

Old Age Day by Day October 4, 2011

I saw "Moneyball" last night and really enjoyed it.  Like "Social Network", also written by Adam Sorkin, it focuses on a complex individual and what drives him.  The fact that it is about my beloved Oakland A's also helps, though it is not your typical baseball movie.  I think it shows the mystery of the game and the heartache really well.  I went with my daughter and her boyfriend, and it was set in a time she remembers, though she's in her twenties.  Her boyfriend is from Philadelphia, so it perhaps was not as interesting to him, but he loves the game, and now he's based here, so it may be excellent background material.


My friend just called about seeing another movie, about Sarah Palin, but I don't have the detachment to see it.  None of what's going on the the Republican camp is amusing to me, just totally depressing.  We're going to look in the paper and see if we can find something else to go to.  Maybe seeing Ken Burns' "War" is taking its toll.  I feel like I'm learning so much about WWII and that era, but having myths dispelled is painful.  And the ugliness of war is unfathomable, no matter how much you learn.  The numbers alone stun me into confusion.  The deliberate cruelty and stupidity makes it hard to feel the value in being human.

Yep, I'm definitely not in the mood for anything other than a musical.  And I bet there are none in the theaters.  I'm going to go back to reading Bill Bryson's "The Thunderbolt Kid".  Very funny and light.

Old Age Day by Day October 3, 2011

I had decided to reread some Grahame Greene.  I'd devoured his books in my early twenties, and wondered how they'd hold up now.  I picked "Stamboul Train" to begin with, as I barely remembered it.  Wow!  Talk about noir!  The language is so dense and insidious, and the many points of view of the chararcters make it anxious and claustrophobic as the train itself.  The anti-Semitism is blatant, and  objectification of women rampant.  No one ends up looking innocent, and the use the characters make of each other is like a preview of the atmosphere before World War II in Europe.  Class and ethnicity and arbitrary power show the reader why another conflagration occurred.  Then my husband and I watched Part II of Ken Burns' The War, about World War II and I felt I had read the lead up to the ugliness and inhumanity of that conflict.  I believe I'll hunt out another of Greene's books.  He was a master of language and the complexity of human motivation.  He never makes it simple for us. 

One of the joys of growing older is this rereading of books.  Jump ahead a few decades, and my take on the same book is transformed.  It's almost magic!

Old Age Day by Day October 2, 2011

We had a lovely visit with our friends.  Smooth driving each way, and very relaxed.  We stay at the same motel each time, and it's comfortable and easy walking around the town from it.  Today is our opera, in which Renee Fleming supposedly flames out.  Well - the dying of the summer, the shift to fall, it all works.  I'm adjusting.  I'm also on a diet, and doing pretty good, but the lack of carbs is a toughie for me.  First the sugar, now no carbs, it doesn't leave much, but I guess that's the idea.  I'm afraid it's my husband who will lose the weight and I won't.  But I have lost some already, which is encouraging, and more importantly, I have two friends who are doing this as well, and I can talk to them and get some support.  I can see that I'm going to have to get into coffees and teas, and exotic greens and maybe just smelling things a lot.  I could be a bakery bum, staring through the window at those lucky people who get to BUY brioche.  I could rub fresh bread on my body, and sleep with raisin bagels under my pillow. 

In the meantime, while I'm whittling away to nothing, or at least a person with a waist, I can concentrate on my intellectual development.  More Rosetta Stone, less stoneground wheat.  And there is sewing, and walking, and singing, and all the other things I love, that I can look forward to instead of lunch.  I hope.  

Old Age Day by Day September 27, 2011

Well, I went to the dermatologist bright and early to learn the treatment on my nose over the summer somehow did not work.  So she took a biopsy and I probably have to see a specialist.  It's my third skin cancer.  Hopefully, it will respond to whatever the next treatment is.  My skin is such a wreck.  I do not like this part of old age.  At all.  All the crumbling and frequent scares and possibilities.  I have the skin of a redheaded Scotswoman.  Thanks, Dad. 

I'm especially nervous because a neighbor died only a couple of months ago from skin cancer, and he was told it was fine, and yet it came back with a vengance.  This surprise - the pulling the rug out from under us - is tough to get used to.  Expect the unexpected.  Yet you can't.  All I can do is stabilize my center, which for me is what a great life I have, and how lucky I've been so far, and that I'm connected to the rest of humanity.    As we get older, we're in stormy seas, and the boat had better be flat bottomed and buoyant, to ride through the waves.  We're all sailing to the same place, but we can enjoy the ride. 

Old Age Day by Day September 26, 2011

The newspaper has announced that last week's warm weather was the one week of summer we're getting.  Now fall has arrived, and yet, and yet, I could have sworn we had fall from June to September.  Oh, well, the least of my worries, I guess.  My husband and I had two warm days at the cabin, and lugged the canoe up with a minimum of hernial action and washed every sheet and towel in the place, plus the floors.  We didn't put the shutters on and drain the pipes yet, because my husband swears he's going up again in the next two weeks.  I've heard that one before.  When we can't sit out on the deck anymore, it's more difficult to get up there.  That's when I begin to dream of beaches and umbrella drinks and warm nights.

We have two days at home, then we're driving up to see friends for a couple of days, then back to see our second opera, which got a horrendous review in both papers.  They called Renee Fleming "lazy" if that gives you an idea.  Oh, dear.  Well, she's lovely to look at, no matter what.  I guess this is not Donizetti's best music.  I'm too uncultured to be too fazed, I'm sure.

Today I'm getting tennis shoes and mailing shoes to my daughter who left them at the cabin and shopping for a baby gift.  And adjusting my brain to cool weather and possible rain.

Old Age Day by Day September 23, 2011

I almost had a heart attack this morning at breakfast when my husband told me I had a rash on my chest and face.  I looked in the mirror and sure enough.  Bright red.  I said we'd better not go up to the cabin as we planned and I needed to see my doctor.  I'd had a flu shot and pneumonia shot, and wondered if that could be the cause.  I was so disappointed and frightened.  Then he touched it, and it rubbed off!  Somehow, I'd gotten V8 juice splattered on myself.  I don't remember spilling anything, or some dramatic movement of the bottle or glasses, but I'd managed to splash myself somehow.  I rubbed it off with a dish towel, and when I later went upstairs I discovered my skin in those places looked yellow, like I had jauntice.  I got a little jolt of fear, then scrubbed with soap and water and the yellow came off on the washcloth.  I guess there is a lot of beta caratine in V8.

I'm sure nothing the rest of the day will be quite as exciting.  At least I hope not.  So we are going to the cabin to winterize it and do mountains of laundry left undone from the family reunion.  But it will be beautiful, and we can sit on the deck and watch birds and stare at the lake.  Now if only the canoe is still on it's anchor on the lake and we can get the sucker up our hill.

Old Age Day by Day September 22, 2011

This is our older son's and his wife's anniversary.  Ten years.  We had our older two kids get married within three months of each other, one in New York, the other here.  What an amazing time it was!  A lot of joy, reunion, exhaustion and then, ten days before the second wedding, 9/11.  We had two kids living in New York, and the older two's half brother was flying in to New York from Dublin and his plan was turned around.  All the family got here in time, being brave and determined, but we were all also in shock.  The world had changed in one quick snap.

But often it happens that way.  One day you are worrying if they have the shoe you want in your size and the next you're in a hospital.  I tell people I don't like surprises, but I should be expecting them.  Not anticipating or dreading, but prepared for the fact of change.  The one constant is change.

Today looks ordinary.  I want to buy slippers, go to the grocery store, and check the sale at the luggage place.  But I'm also on the lookout for the extraordinary, tiny moment or big.  Yesterday I was driving to my voice lesson and decided to take a slightly different route, and the street was blocked off.  In the paper this morning I saw someone had been killed, as well as people injured, and I missed being in the reign of bullets by about ten minutes.  I was late to the lesson, and rattled as a result.  I'd moved into the path of death, and I slid away safely.  But lives were lost or ruined right there, right then.  It's a complicated world.  There is evil.  Darkness stalks us.  I'm looking for the overheard laughter, the child waddling down the street holding her mother's finger, the roses climbing the gate.  But what I'll find is anyone's guess.

Old Age Day by Day September 21, 2011

I just found out a friend's daughter had a baby daughter.  Such a joyful event.  September is such an emotionally full month for me.  My husband's and my birthdays, our older son's wedding anniversary, the month in which my parents were married, the birthday of my husband's grandmother who raised him, and our nephew's birthday.  But it is also the month of 9/11, of two dear friend's deaths, of my father's and my husband's mother's death.  It's almost too full, unbearable.  But we aren't given a choice, and we live with what we carry with us, at least most of us do.  As they say, no one ever promised us a rose garden.  There are rose gardens, for sure, and cemeteries, and rough roads and smooth paths.  The longer I live, the more I live with loss, ironically.  Mixed feelings are de rigeur at this stage.

Today I have two delightful activities:  spending time walking with a friend and a voice lesson.  And it's another beautiful day, one of those late summer gifts that we a prone to experiencing in this month.  I intend to enjoy it.

Old Age Day by Day September 20, 2011

I'm settling in with my Spanish program, and it feels good to not let last years classes goes to waste.  I like visuals, so the computer is helpful, and I also think the sound is triggering memories of Spain and Mexico, which enrich the experience.  I love the sound of Spanish.  Yes, I can't wrap my tongue around some of it, and have to give up and move on to the next exercise, but I'm no perfectionist, so I'm okay with that.  I notice my chorus will be singing a Spanish song this time again, and it's from "The Mission", a film I love, so the connection between to of my activities holds strong.

In the opera I saw Sunday, the star has his soldiers singing and then, at the end, has the people in the South Tower singing as they descend the stairs.  I find this interesting - singing to keep one's courage up and to feel banded together.  It's a lovely touch.  How much singing benefits us, and yet, so many of us give it up after childhood.  Our attachment to our churches, our national anthem, our meditation chants, so many aspects of our lives are deepened by singing. 

Old Age Day by Day September 19, 2011

Now we're talkin summer!  This is good.  I've walked the dogs, the sun is bright, the day warm.  Yesterday we went to the city to see an opera, and it was summery!  I really was touched by "Heart of a Soldier".  The story is amazing - I'd read the book years before - and it is told beautifully, with powerful sets and lovely voices and some real acting.  I believe the entire audience was in tears by the end.  It's about bravery and what might be behind it, and how it is a kind of grace that saves our world.  A few days before, a young man had been presented with the Medal of Honor, and this opera provided insight into that kind of soldier.  The kind that leaves no one behind, and never gives up. 

Then I went home and sat outside and read my Michael Moore book, "Here Comes Trouble".  It's very funny, but provides insight into another kind of hero.  I feel positively inspired!

Now if I could just pronounce "mujer" on my Rosetta Stone lessons.  I tried it so many times yesterday, but I'm doing something wrong.  I can get by without trilling my "r"s, but somehow my "j" is an offense to the computer program.  Oh, dear.  How will I actually speak with another person, especially a mujer.  I guess I can only speak to hombres or ninos or ninas.  I've got those down pat.

Old Age Day by Day September 18, 2011

We're going to the opera in an hour, our first one of the season.  It's a premiere, and didn't get good reviews, but I've learned that means little to me.  What I find about opera is it is so rich in resonance that I think about certain aspects for weeks or months or years afterwards.  I expect there will be something haunting for me with this one as well.  Everything is writ large with opera.  The passion, the tragedy, the absurdity are delightful reminders of our humanity, and our connectedness.  The music addresses the spiritual, the costumes and sets the art of living, the voices remind of us grace given to us, in small moments or big.  So, it's a beautiful day out, but I will be inside a large part of it, addressing these parts of myself that want tending and noticing.  Then back to dog walking.

Old Age Day by Day September 16, 2011

I wonder about this body of mine sometimes.  I didn't really walk yesterday, and my body is stiff and complaining.  It wants exercise.  I sort of heard it grumbling, but wouldn't listen.  If I want to feel really old, all I have to do is stop moving.  Today will be different.  I am resolved.  I have to engagements with friends, and I'm walking as much as I can in and around being out, and maybe after I've finished with the second, I'll mosey around by myself. 

I was thinking yesterday that I don't have one good chair to read in, and that doesn't help either.  I'm so short that my feet don't touch the ground, so I get myself in contortions to feel braced and comfortable.  I need good light and a chair that fits me.  Yesterday I was in a huge chaise lounge chair in the sunroom, and nothing was supporting my lower back.  I just wanted to be in a light, cheerful room, but I would have been better off hanging myself upside down from the ceiling, like a spider.  They probably have plenty of light, and they are supported by a web of their own making.  I'm going to solve this sedentary dilemna, and also the sedentary problem of not being active enough.  At least I can dance to my Gypsy Kings and tromp around the neighborhood.  Girl, get your dancing feet on!

Old Age Day by Day September 15, 2011

Another dreary morning. I guess Indian Summer is not coming to a theater near me. I'm thinking of museums, or practicing my Spanish or continuing to read my very interesting book about Wendy Wasserstein. Of course, there are chores, and looking at the sale stuff at my local luggage store. I haven't given up on trips entirely, just expensive trips. I'm looking forward to seeing a couple of friends tomorrow, and I have the weekend more or less booked. So life is good, and I appreciate it. But I'm not FEELING it successfully at this moment. Maybe the desert with intense sun is what I need. A trip to Death Valley.

In the meantime, I do have a primary goal of avoiding reading or hearing anything about the GOP hopefuls. No news is good news. And the news is so fictionalized and melodramatic that it is only good for raising the blood pressure. And that's not something I need. I, like a lot of Americans, am sick of sound bites and posturing. I attempt to engage with others seriously and I expect the same behavior from politicians. Since I don't get respect, I don't give any, at least these days. I don't watch any TV. If I want to see a President, I'll see the movie "Dave". It's so comforting. And yet. It takes an impostor with no agenda to get things done in Washington in that film. So it's not that comforting.

Maybe I'll just wallow in the miserable weather after all.

Old Age Day by Day September 14, 2011

I'm about to have a haircut, which means turbulence in my atmosphere of the highest order. I'm actually going to back to a stylist I haven't seen in a few years, because I'm not happy with the attempts at bubble cuts of the last two persons. I did the bubble cut in the early sixties, and I am so not having that again. It makes me look like a bobblehead, and I'd much rather look like a witch with stringy long hair that that. Wish me luck.

After that we are off to see our financial wizard, who will have nothing but dire news, and is further lowering our risk. Of course, I risk is still 100% in some scenarios, but hey, we all like to have our fairy tales. Ours seems to be being eaten by the big bad wolf. I don't see any woodsman on the horizon to save us. After that meeting, I expect we will both be so depressed we'll be glum for the rest of the day. It's a plan.

I also learned my Buddhist teacher has had a fall and injured her knee. I hope it is not the one she had surgery on last fall. This is why I say my whole goal in life is not to fall. And I mean it. Mobility is crucial. I'm going to pray it is not serious and she recovers quickly. Sometimes it seems that old age is about frustration.

Old Age Day by Day September 13,2011

I am having trouble adjusting to being back home. I feel unstructured. Today I have errands, and then my foster granddaughter after her schoolday, but there is this sense of looseness. Last night my husband and I tried to plan a trip for our birthdays, but everything we thought of, when we checked into it seemed too expensive. We've always wanted to see an opera at the Met in New York, but when we added the costs, it was so horrendous we gave up. We've always dreamed of staying at the Ahwahnee Hotel in Yosemite, but that was terrible too and we could only get a reservation for one night. Then we looked into Santa Fe, as we've wanted to stay a one of the great hotels on the Plaza, but, same thing. We gave up. So if we aren't going anywhere this fall, what are we doing? We don't know.

I assume this is part of the adjustment of retirement, and transitions are hard. I know we'll figure this out. But right now I don't know what I want to do, and all I see is others taking trips. I could volunteer more, and take classes. And maybe I will. When I do, I'll let you know.

Old Age Day by Day September 12, 2011

We saw the movie "Contagion" yesterday for five bucks. It was not as good as "Outbreak", but still interesting. How a movie about something so dire can be entertaining I'm not sure, maybe because it is in the back of our minds anyway, and we get our anxieties front and center, but without any responsibility - more disconnected and thus seemingly safer.

Today I weighed myself after skipping over a month, and I had lost a bit. But not what the doctor said to lose. I guess I'll have to do a sort of diet to get down five pounds. Just a salad for dinner or something like that. As much as I've eaten out recently, it's a miracle I've not gained. I attribute it to running around after a three year old and lots of walking. But now, with the little dynamo back home, I must take it upon myself to keep active. Back to the exercise video, and perhaps more cleaning around the house. I vacuumed yesterday morning at nine am and it felt GOOD.

The sun just came out, so my day just got better. I'll walk the dogs and take it from there.

Old Age Day by Day September 11, 2011

I'm back from being a grandma full time, and I miss my granddaughter, but am happily doing laundry and getting lists going for appointments put off, grocery shopping and reconnecting with friends. We rode many trains, a boat and now it's time for grandma to rest up. What joy a grandchild is, and how invigorated I feel around her! My granddaughter, daughter and I were in the hotel in side by side queen beds, so I overheard my granddaughter telling her mother, very seriously, that she did not want to die. She is 3 years and four months. Her mom told her she wasn't going to die. Then she said was she going to die ever. Her mom told her not for a long, long time. She said she didn't want to get old, was she going to get old? Same answer. She didn't want to get old because she didn't want red hands. Her mother said she was so young and she had many many years to live.

Next day I said to my daughter. I'm with her. This growing old business is disgusting! We laughed. But it was the essential question, and at three, she gets it. I pray she loves her life and it is very, very long. I don't believe I was as precocious as my granddaughter, but I remember worrying about the universe and life on other planets, and god and death and the atomic bomb. And I was pretty young. It's like Gerald Manley Hopkins' "Spring and Fall to a Young Child". "Margaret, are you grieving, over golden groves' unleaving".

It's hard to imagine not being in the world, and, without understanding our interconnectedness, terrifying. Our world is ourselves, but we sense, even when very young, that it is not the true world. My granddaughter seemed comforted by her mother's reassurances, but us older people do represent something disturbing - we're on our way to somewhere else, but where?

Old Age Day by Day August 30, 2011

I watched two Antique Roadshows last night, appropriate, I know, given my own age. I was antsy. I didn't want to read my book, I had called everyone already, my husband was at his old lab finishing up something. The beauty of it is, no commercials. Thus the dogs and I were able to prevail. As usual, stuff that looked like junk was valuable, gorgeous vases were practically worthless, there was a Confederate Flag and a Winchester rifle. I guess there will never be an end to war memorabilia, but I fail to see the allure. Rugs and furniture seem to not be valuable, no matter how old. I think that's the category I'm in. However, often Native American crafts are super valuable. The guy with the Winchester rifle which he had been told was in a battle with Custer, was not the right kind of rifle, but a beaded pony bag, was the real treasure, more than thirty times so. It was soft deerskin, with beaded plants in black, white and pumpkin colors, not all over beaded, just enough to be elegant and evocative of the plains. I was rooting for art over artillery, and for once, it prevailed.

A couple of more hours before my granddaughter arrives. I'm excited. I slept very poorly last night. I have her dress up box all set: firefighter, fairy, chef, doctor, scarves, pearls, picture hats. Let the games begin!

Old Age Day by Day August 29, 2011

Last day before El Tornado arrives. I've gotten down the little table and chairs, play food, playmobil, dolls, books and dress up clothes. A couple of stops for items and I'm set. She's arriving in an RV, so I bet she will want to stay with mom instead of our old boring house. She asked me on the phone yesterday what we were going to do, and I listed a bunch of things to which she said, we already did that. Oh, well. I'm sure we're going to keep her busy. My friend emailed that I'd better take my vitamins. True enough!

In the meantime, I'll enjoy the weather, the anticipation, the ways to get her on a train ride. Though to judge by last time, fairy bandaids are as dazzling as any trip. And walking the dogs and seeing my foster granddaughter are high up on the list as well. She's happy bungling in our back yard, and making the deck into a boat and the tiny bridge into an adventure. And I am delighted just watching.

Old Age Day by Day August 28, 2011

You know the expression, "my eyes are bigger than my stomach"? I feel full, real full, overeating type full. I had two Belgian ales Friday night and way too much food at a Spanish restaurant, then ate too much at Study Group, then had fried chicken last night. So what did I do this morning? Made scrambled eggs, sausage (veggie, but still) and biscuits. At least I stopped after one biscuit, but that was to eat a bunch of cherries. Now I don't feel so good, again! This, I know, is called gluttony, but I'm sure I can calm down, and get back to moderation. Well, I'm almost sure.

It's a beautiful day, so hopefully I'll move my body enough to work off a very overendulgent weekend. But first, Target and a grocery store, and then maybe I'll be exhausted from shopping, and who knows, I may need a nap, and after all, our granddaughter is coming tomorrow and we should rest up for the little tornado.

As you can see, my will power is in short supply.

Old Age Day by Day August 27, 2011

I have had a busy twenty four hours. We were spending our last time with our Irish "son" for this visit, and then I had a study group and meeting after which lasted five hours. I got little sleep last night so I'm going to snuggle down with a book in a minute and doze. I'm an excellent dozer. I get my sleeping abilities from my Dad, who could sleep anywhere, any time. And I'm a believer in naps. It's how I made it through college, and small children and now old age. I love my pillow, my bed, the chaise lounge in the sunroom, and my many cosy spots. I'm catlike in that way. Of course, my dogs sleep about 23 out of 24 hours, so I could say doglike. And they love to nap with me on the bed. Excuse me, I feel a rest time coming on.

Old Age Day by Day August 26, 2011

I finished "Room" yesterday. It was very disturbing and hard to read, but super well written. And the subject couldn't be more important. Because women are held like this all over the world. But more than a book about captivity, it is a book about motherhood and how tenacious our love can be. We won't give up, we don't, and we do so much more than survive. That love is absolute. I don't want to give away any plot, because I think everyone should read it. It's not a perfect book, but it gets hold of you and tugs.

Today I'm having lunch and dinner out. Lunch with our older son and his half brother, whom we adore, dinner with them and also our younger daughter and son. Tomorrow our Irish son leaves. I will miss him. It is so rare we're all together, but for a brief moment, at the cabin, we were. It makes for great memories.

My husband and I walked over to see "Cave of Forgotten Dreams" at our local theater. I'd already seen it, but was happy to see it again. The cave drawings are so beautiful, and the world it reveals so mesmerizing. My husband liked it as well. It feels so weird to be able to see a movie in the middle of the day. This retirement thing is strange.